Escape

Sometimes when I think about all the mistakes I make and things I get myself into, I just want to run away and hide from the world.

We had a lesson in church about mental disorders and the woman teaching told us a story about her dad that has a mental issue that makes it so what he says doesn’t always coincide with what he is thinking or means to say. Basically, a long story short is that the dad told a neighbor that his wife had died when she had really just fallen and was fine; then told his wife that the neighbor had died; so when the wife called the neighbor to offer condolences, it was quite an interesting conversation.

I’ve been thinking about this sort of situation in regards to autism. Although the words may come out like I am thinking them, they are not always understood the way I want them to be. Sometimes I say something, thinking that it is the socially correct way of saying it, but it is misunderstood and the purpose behind what I said is completely lost in the ensuing conversation. At that point it is almost always too late to go back for me. I don’t know how to express to the person that they misunderstood my intentions and what I really meant.

This has been quite problematic and stressful when it comes to things involving money. I hate to admit it, but I have been roped into quite a few expenses that I did not intend to make. I couldn’t figure out how to tell the person that I was not interested and walk away and by the time I did figure it out, it was much after the fact and I was either committed and couldn’t get out of it or I didn’t want to go to the trouble of getting out of it because of how traumatizing of an experience it was getting into it.

Anyway, these kinds of issues often bring me a lot of post turmoil because I think about what happened and wonder where the conversation went wrong and what I said that gave them the wrong impression and then I wonder how I could have let it happen and why I couldn’t have stopped it and how I am going to explain it to anyone else. Until now, I have just avoided letting anyone know about these incidents because to me they are stories of my failures. They are times when I saw something happening and had no idea how to stop it and so I just watched it happen.

I don’t know how to explain to someone the helplessness I feel in those situations. I don’t know how to tell someone that I felt there was nothing I could do when I know there are a hundred things I could have done that would have completely changed the situation. I don’t know how to express the anguish I feel because I lament what happened, but I see no way out. But most of all, I don’t know how to admit to my mistakes without others seeing me as a failure.

In these situations, I see no escape and so I just want to run away from the world and live as a hermit so that I never have to fail again. I want to stop myself from ever being dragged into something because of a misunderstanding. Basically, I want to escape from who I am, but since you can’t escape yourself, I want to escape what made me realize my weaknesses.

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