This week has been hard. It has been harder to keep myself calm and in a good state of mind. Sometimes I have to stop myself from yelling at people or being brutally honest. Sometimes I have to calm myself down so I don’t run to my room and cover my ears to try to escape the world. Sometimes I have to remind myself that people aren’t doing certain things to annoy me, they just don’t understand that having things a certain way helps me get through life more smoothly.
I have had family visiting so this is part of what makes things hard, but I have also been more irritable lately and more depressed and lethargic than usual.
My last post was about being an extrovert and needing to spend time with people. Now I must clarify though. I love spending time with people, but I generally hate spending time around people. What is the difference? The difference is when you spend time with people you’re a participant, you’re a partner in an experience, but when you spend time around people you’re all individuals, separate and in all reality, alone.
Although I generally don’t mind being alone, I hate being around people and being alone. I hate when there are people you know around you, but they’re all so distant from you- like when a seal swims next to the glass of the aquarium as you watch it, you are so close and yet you are so incredibly far away.
These are the times when people most aggravate me. When they are so close and yet, it is like they are in a completely different world.
Because of this, my roommates and family have born the brunt of my incompatibility with people. I often get annoyed with people because I see them do certain things around me and I want to tell them to do it differently, but I know that it isn’t kind to correct people when they’re doing something differently than you would.
So this is why I have been wanting to break down lately. Because I feel isolated in a world that won’t leave me alone. I feel segregated even though I’m with people who I connect to more than almost anyone else. And I just haven’t been in the right mindset lately to be able to handle that. I have already been fighting the darkness, and fighting the darkness while feeling like an alien makes you want to break down.