The past month or so has been really hard for me. I’ve been struggling with breaking down, feeling of worth, and just generally doing what I normally do on a daily basis. I don’t exactly know why these things happen. I don’t know what triggers my feelings of depression and lethargy, but I know that when I feel like that it is almost like I’ve gone to sleep. It’s like a part of me is gone for a while, like I went to sleep and part of me just stayed in bed.
And then one day… I wake up.
I can’t explain how or why it happens but it’s like I come back to myself. Like another post I wrote a few weeks ago about a strange feeling I had when I wandered half asleep to the bathroom and felt like a part of me was lost. I felt scared that it would never come back and then it did and everything was okay again. Only this time it took a lot longer for that part of me to come back.
This isn’t the first time this has happened and it probably won’t be the last. But it is interesting to look back and see the difference. It is interesting to see who I’ve been over the past month or so and who I am now. It is almost like I’ve been two different people.
And I feel bad. I feel bad about what that different person has done. I feel bad about the mistakes I made and the hurt I may have caused. And it reminds me of all the other times that this has happened and the brokenness it has left behind me. I wish I could go back and fix it all, but I can’t. Life just doesn’t work like that.
Maybe this time though I can learn something from it… Maybe this time I can find a way to fix it… And maybe next time I can find a way to keep Mr. Hyde from hurting the ones I love.