I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. A whole lot of mistakes. And there’s so much I need and want to do to fix things. But trying to figure out how to fix things is so hard sometimes. I know what I have to do… I just don’t know how to do it. There’s so much I want to say and so much I need to get out, but I don’t want to make things worse. I don’t want to make a mistake… again… So, my biggest question is how do you say the hard stuff?
How do you say I’m sorry for being someone I’m not?
How do you say I miss you and want to be friends again?
How do you say I’ve changed?
How do you say I’m sorry for hurting you or scaring you or worrying you or not appreciating you or not being a good friend to you?
How do you say you knew me at my hardest and worst time of my life?
How do you say can we start over?
I keep thinking that maybe I just need to do it, just be honest and straightforward and get everything out. But then the thoughts creep in, “is this my autism talking?” “do people want to hear from me after all this time?” “do people even care or think about it anymore, and if they don’t, should I remind them?” “would it matter if I told someone what I feel I need to tell them? -would it just be an annoyance?” “what if I message someone and it backfires? -that’ll defeat the whole purpose of the message in the first place” “am I worth it? am I worth resolving my past with others? am I worth trying to fix friendships? does anyone that I need to talk to even care about me still?”
And the biggest question is still, “how do I do this?”