How do you say the hard stuff?

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. A whole lot of mistakes. And there’s so much I need and want to do to fix things. But trying to figure out how to fix things is so hard sometimes. I know what I have to do… I just don’t know how to do it. There’s so much I want to say and so much I need to get out, but I don’t want to make things worse. I don’t want to make a mistake… again… So, my biggest question is how do you say the hard stuff?

How do you say I’m sorry for being someone I’m not?

How do you say I miss you and want to be friends again?

How do you say I’ve changed?

How do you say I’m sorry for hurting you or scaring you or worrying you or not appreciating you or not being a good friend to you?

How do you say you knew me at my hardest and worst time of my life?

How do you say can we start over?

 

I keep thinking that maybe I just need to do it, just be honest and straightforward and get everything out. But then the thoughts creep in, “is this my autism talking?” “do people want to hear from me after all this time?” “do people even care or think about it anymore, and if they don’t, should I remind them?” “would it matter if I told someone what I feel I need to tell them? -would it just be an annoyance?” “what if I message someone and it backfires? -that’ll defeat the whole purpose of the message in the first place” “am I worth it? am I worth resolving my past with others? am I worth trying to fix friendships? does anyone that I need to talk to even care about me still?”

And the biggest question is still, “how do I do this?”

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “How do you say the hard stuff?

  1. Hi Julia,

    The only thing you can know with any certainty is that if you don’t try, those questions and doubts you have will never really be resolved for you.

    There is a quote stuck to my filing cabinet next to my desk from Dr Mark Goulston. It says;

    “The essence of it is that you need to have a clear, precise, compelling and totally convincing vision of what your best life looks like. When you see it, commitment naturally follows. If commitment doesn’t follow, the vision wasn’t important enough.”

    I think it’s fair that few people have that total vision but we get glimpses of it now and then. Think about what you truly want and how much, then commit to it.

    One last thing. Own your mistakes. Accept they are past tense and that they don’t have to define you now or in your future if you really don’t want them to. More importantly, make more mistakes and learn from those too.

    None of us are perfect. The imperfections make us unique.

    All the best,

    Andrew

    Like

    • Thanks for the comment. I don’t really have a problem with owning my mistakes, but I have a problem with figuring out how to apologize in a way that resolves things. The people I want to apologize to are people I have already apologized to, but I want to figure out a way of telling them I’ve changed without reminding them of who I was before. That probably isn’t possible and I’ll probably just do my best in the end, but for now I’m just in the thinking/ planning stages.

      Like

      • Perhaps the problem is not yours alone. Someone has to accept you have changed and for some people that can be harder than you having the courage to say you were wrong and apologising. That does not mean you shouldn’t try and the fact that you want to resolve these differences speaks to your character.

        Like

      • Thanks. That’s something interesting to think about. I think it will help me move forward knowing that this isn’t just a one way thing. I just have to do my part and then leave it in their hands to move forward as they choose.

        Like

Comments? I'd love to hear them!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s