Happiness released

If you saw me when I’m by myself, you would be surprised at how different I am than when I am with you.

I know this is true for lots of people, but for me it mostly applies to my autism. It is only when I am alone that I realize how naturally autistic tendencies come to me. I jump; I flap; I don’t hold myself back. I never flap when I’m around other people. My family has never even seen me do it. It feels wrong and strange to do it in front of others, but by myself it happens completely naturally. I often wonder to myself, “what is this uninhibited feeling of joy that is coming out of me?” “Why don’t I feel this when I’m around other people?”

I almost wish I could show you who I am when I’m by myself.

I wish people could see that happiness. I wish I could share that happiness with others. The problem is that other people wouldn’t understand it. Has anyone that is not autistic felt so incredibly happy for no real reason that they have to run and jump and cheer?

I wish you knew that feeling. I wish your happiness was released and I wish I could release mine around you. But for now, I’ll just release my happiness when I am alone.

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19 thoughts on “Happiness released

  1. That was beautiful:) and when you described how you feel “happiness released” you described how my son looks like when he flaps, smiles and jumps all at the same time. His little 4 year old sister calls it his “happy hands” and she innocently releases with him because she says “he is so excited Mommy and it makes me happy to see him happy so I want to do it too.” I’ve gone back and seen videos and my little guy did this even before he was a year old. I love seeing the joy on his face:) My husband has told him to think of it has “happy dancing” and he does a quick release when he arrives at a favourite place and then he looks happily blissfully relaxed. Its then my husband reminds me that at “the centre” they wanted him to do something else with his hands and not flap and a kindergarten teacher actually had him sit on his hands in circle time. Why would anyone not like “happy hands?”

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    • That’s exactly what I do too. Jump and smile and flap. For an adult to do it in public though would be completely frowned upon, but I love when parents allow their kids to do it. It makes me feel free with their child.
      Unfortunately people are always afraid of what they don’t understand and it’s sad but people don’t understand what it feels like to have happiness flowing in their veins so much that it comes out in movements.

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  2. Joseph says:

    I really don’t think that it’s anybody else’s business if someone shows their happiness in a way that is different than how others do it… I have my own way of flapping, & I think that people should be able to just “Be themselves”. It’s a bit different when a person does something that can possibly hurt others, but, assuming no harm can come to others, Why not?

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