Loneliness

Not everyone with autism struggles with being able to make friends or being lonely, but I do. I have always struggled to make friends. Since I was in second grade and left the first group of friends I ever had because I didn’t feel like I belonged anymore, I have struggled to make and keep friends.

Sure I’ve had people who say hi to me or sit with me every once in a while, but I’ve had very few people that I could call if I needed help and even less people that I felt actually enjoyed my company and wanted me around.

I’ve written on here before about my best friend and I’ve told our story on my blogs before. Having a best friend has changed my life and has kept me from feeling lonely since the day we met. But now… my best friend is homeless and so we hardly talk anymore because it is too stressful for me to think about her situation all the time. I help her when I can and we talk every once in a while, but it is not the same because the shadow of her nearly hopeless situation is always there.

And so… I have rediscovered my loneliness. I wish I had someone to talk to again. I wish I had a friend that could just have a normal conversation with me or just spend some time with me. I know it’s not my friend’s fault and I don’t blame her for her situation, but it is hard to go back to a life of loneliness again. And I wish so desperately for someone to fill that loneliness.

I met my best friend when I was 19 years old. By that time I had attempted suicide multiple times and thought about death since the time I was old enough to open the car door. I haven’t contemplated suicide since we became friends. And I don’t want to again. I don’t want to long for death again. I know I won’t ever do it because I couldn’t do that to people, but I need people. I need friends. Without a friend I feel lost, hopeless, abandoned, alone. Would you be my friend? If you knew how badly someone needed a friend, would you try harder to be their friend?

It seems like such a simple thing, such a simple solution. And yet, for someone like me it’s the hardest thing in the world.

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5 thoughts on “Loneliness

  1. Oh, it is SO HARD. Is there not some way you could reach out more to your friend? True friends are so rare and precious. I date my social happiness to the time I met my best friend thirty years ago. Knowing i have a friend has always made the difference for me (my family is troubled). I just wonder if you couldn’t go meet her with a sandwich and some socks or something. I bet she feels lonely too!!!!! And someday, when she pulls herself out of this hole, she will know you were there for her ALL ALONG, which is what we friends do for each other. Another thing, when you are a good friend to someone you learn more about being a friend to all.

    Like

    • Unfortunately she lives in a different state. If I lived anywhere close to her, I would definitely be able to help out a lot more. Right now, I’ve been able to help out with money for a hotel room every once in a while. But I don’t really make enough to do that all the time so I just help when I can. I wish there was more I could do, but I do what I can in the meantime.

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