Have you ever wanted to die? What did it feel like to want to die?
(As a warning, this may be an intense post to read. It is something I want people to understand, but I understand that the information may be too dark for some people.)
I don’t know why, but I have wanted to die for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying this because I want you to feel sorry for me, but I’m saying it because people need to know. People need to know that suicidal thoughts are not uncommon. If you have ever wanted to die, you have a brief glimpse into what I feel on nearly a daily basis. Suicide for me is like the urge to eat chocolate for someone else. It’s just a part of who I am, but I resist those thoughts because it’s not a part of who I want to be.
Among people’s most common fears are fear of heights, fear of public speaking, fear of death, and fear of the dark. My greatest fear is the fear that I will not be able to control my urge of wanting to die. I fear heights because I’m afraid that my urge will get the better of me and I will jump or cause myself to fall. I worry about public speaking because I fear that if I perceive that people think negatively of me, my urge to die might increase. I don’t fear death or darkness, but rather I fear that I will one day embrace the death and darkness within me.
I fear wanting to die because I really want to live. There is so much to do in life. I want to accomplish so many things and read so many good books and learn new languages and experience new cultures and places. I fear that my urge of wanting death will overcome my desire of wanting to live- like someone’s urge to eat chocolate can overcome their desire to be healthy. The difference is if my urge overcomes my desire, the outcome will be irreversible.
I recently bought a book by my former patriarch in my hometown. As I have read this book, it has reaffirmed to me how grateful I am that my urges have not overcome my desires yet. I have attempted suicide a few times, but these were all superficial wounds. I never actually did enough damage to ever have the possibility of death. And I am so grateful for that. As Jack Rushton says, “It’s good to be alive.”