I Want to Live

Have you ever wanted to die? What did it feel like to want to die?

(As a warning, this may be an intense post to read. It is something I want people to understand, but I understand that the information may be too dark for some people.)

I don’t know why, but I have wanted to die for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying this because I want you to feel sorry for me, but I’m saying it because people need to know. People need to know that suicidal thoughts are not uncommon. If you have ever wanted to die, you have a brief glimpse into what I feel on nearly a daily basis. Suicide for me is like the urge to eat chocolate for someone else. It’s just a part of who I am, but I resist those thoughts because it’s not a part of who I want to be.

Among people’s most common fears are fear of heights, fear of public speaking, fear of death, and fear of the dark. My greatest fear is the fear that I will not be able to control my urge of wanting to die. I fear heights because I’m afraid that my urge will get the better of me and I will jump or cause myself to fall. I worry about public speaking because I fear that if I perceive that people think negatively of me, my urge to die might increase. I don’t fear death or darkness, but rather I fear that I will one day embrace the death and darkness within me.

I fear wanting to die because I really want to live. There is so much to do in life. I want to accomplish so many things and read so many good books and learn new languages and experience new cultures and places. I fear that my urge of wanting death will overcome my desire of wanting to live- like someone’s urge to eat chocolate can overcome their desire to be healthy. The difference is if my urge overcomes my desire, the outcome will be irreversible.

I recently bought a book by my former patriarch in my hometown. As I have read this book, it has reaffirmed to me how grateful I am that my urges have not overcome my desires yet. I have attempted suicide a few times, but these were all superficial wounds. I never actually did enough damage to ever have the possibility of death. And I am so grateful for that. As Jack Rushton says, “It’s good to be alive.”

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10 thoughts on “I Want to Live

  1. Yes, I have. I spent some time in mental institutions during my early and mid-twenties because I was on the verge of suicide and knew I needed help. So I was comitted on suicide watch. It’s not fun being so down in the dumps that you can’t see the light. But as cliche as it is, it “does get better” – it is possible to overcome it. Just keeping fighting, you can make it 🙂

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  2. Allison Truong says:

    Hi Julia, I was in ASB with you. I just want to let you know how brave you are for writing this article. I can only imagine how hard it is for you and I want you to know there are so many people who care about you and reading this breaks my heart seeing you struggle. I know you are strong but I’d like to remind you of how strong you truly are. I think the brain is a powerful thing and it has the power to make very wrong decisions, but the power to make very very right decisions too. Only you have the choice. Don’t let anyone bring you down. Just make yourself happy first and the rest will follow. Always remember to take care of yourself. And surround yourself with the people who truly appreciate and respect you for who you are with all your imperfections. Call me if you ever need me or have dark thoughts. I just sent you my phone number on Facebook. Love you, Allison.

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    • I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal at the moment, but I still think about it almost every day. It’s usually just a fleeting thought, like wouldn’t it be nice to just not exist for a while. But it still comes even though life is amazing right now. I’m alright with it though. It’s just something I have to deal with, but I’m grateful for the support and tools I have to cope with it.

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  3. Joseph says:

    Much of my life as a child was filled with those kinds of thoughts… As an adult, the thoughts are more like; “Lord, couldn’t you just take me home now? I’ really not liking it here, & I want to come back to you!”.
    Either way, I guess the hardest life-lesson for us to learn is to just trust in Him, turn all of those problems over, & have faith that somehow He will get us through…

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