Killing a Butterfly

It’s no secret that I struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, but I hope you also know that I am a hope-seeker and light-seeker. I am always looking for things to be happy about and grateful for and ways to use my struggles to do good.

Anyway, in seeking for light during my recent suicidal thoughts, I had a thought come through a memory. A few years ago, my brother watched “A Sound of Thunder” and told me how in the movie, a butterfly being killed changed the entire future. I thought it was interesting at the time, but in reflecting on this recently, I wondered if I’m like that butterfly.

I consider my life to be pretty insignificant. I mean, I know I have made a difference in some people’s lives, but it just doesn’t seem like I matter that much in the big picture. But what if killing myself would be like killing the butterfly in the movie? It may not matter that much today, but it could make a huge difference in a few hundred years.

If I don’t stay to write my thoughts, if I don’t stay to help a homeless person, if I don’t stay to teach a class, or do my job, or have kids, or get married, or just live out my life, could I be robbing the world of hope that it will need in the future? I know that I’m not a great person and I probably won’t do anything in my life that will change the world, but maybe just me living will change the world. Maybe just holding onto life until it stops holding onto me, will change the world.

I don’t know everything and I don’t know what my life will bring or the effect it will have, but maybe if it just has a butterfly’s effect, it will be worth it.

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8 thoughts on “Killing a Butterfly

  1. You say that you aren’t a great person, but I, a virtual stranger, would have to disagree. It takes a brave soul to share your story and put your feelings out to the world. I have read many of your posts and your words are incredibly moving. You are greater than you realize and helping more people than you will probably ever know about so yes your loss would be profound not only to those close to you but also to a world of people who read your words, but are too shy to comment. Do not give up. You matter.

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    • Thanks. I guess it’s easy to see our own faults when we live with ourselves. I know I do good things, but I have a lot of problems. So I don’t consider myself to be great, but I will keep trying to do good and make the world a better place.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have just stumbled upon your blog and just wanted to say hello. I don’t know you but it sounds like you are on the right path, asking yourself this question. Somewhere inside Of you, maybe you know that you matter? Or else you wouldn’t (I don’t think) consider this butterfly comparison.
    I hope you do find the light in things around. šŸ™‚

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    • You’re right. I do know I matter. I struggle with depression and suicide, but I’m still here because someone took the time to care. And so I know I matter at least enough to be saved, which means I have to have a purpose, and if I have a purpose, I’m going to make that purpose as great as I can.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My grandson has been diagnosed with ASD. I enjoy your postings very much and they have allowed me to gain an insight into how he feels at times.

    This “butterfly” post is very special and one everyone needs to read. I am re-posting and giving people the link to your blog, so they can read other postings as well. Thank you for sharing. I’m sure you have no idea how insightful your comments are for people like me who want to understand. Suicide is something many people tend toward – perhaps your comments will also give them a new way to see life.

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