It’s no secret that I struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, but I hope you also know that I am a hope-seeker and light-seeker. I am always looking for things to be happy about and grateful for and ways to use my struggles to do good.
Anyway, in seeking for light during my recent suicidal thoughts, I had a thought come through a memory. A few years ago, my brother watched “A Sound of Thunder” and told me how in the movie, a butterfly being killed changed the entire future. I thought it was interesting at the time, but in reflecting on this recently, I wondered if I’m like that butterfly.
I consider my life to be pretty insignificant. I mean, I know I have made a difference in some people’s lives, but it just doesn’t seem like I matter that much in the big picture. But what if killing myself would be like killing the butterfly in the movie? It may not matter that much today, but it could make a huge difference in a few hundred years.
If I don’t stay to write my thoughts, if I don’t stay to help a homeless person, if I don’t stay to teach a class, or do my job, or have kids, or get married, or just live out my life, could I be robbing the world of hope that it will need in the future? I know that I’m not a great person and I probably won’t do anything in my life that will change the world, but maybe just me living will change the world. Maybe just holding onto life until it stops holding onto me, will change the world.
I don’t know everything and I don’t know what my life will bring or the effect it will have, but maybe if it just has a butterfly’s effect, it will be worth it.