Inconvenient Depression

Depression is not a choice. Being happy is a choice. You can be happy and still have depression. Life can be good, even great, but you may still have depression. Depression is simply a state of mind independent of your situation and sometimes even independent of your general feelings towards life.

I love life. I love being alive and feeling alive and most, if not all, of what I’m doing with my life. But I still struggle with depression.

I still think about suicide and self injury. Sometimes I even think about these things in good situations. Like when I was discussing service through visiting people in my church, my mind wandered to thoughts of hurting myself. Or yesterday in the temple, which is usually the place I am happiest, I just felt like breaking down and crying.

 One of the hardest parts of depression is that you don’t choose when it affects you. Sometimes it happens at inconvenient times, like when you’re working at the front desk of a charitable organization where you’re supposed to happily greet people as they come in, or when you’re the coordinator in the temple and everyone expects you to keep it together.

And you realize that depression isn’t concerned with being convenient. It just is what it is, and that in and of itself is inconvenient.

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