Six years ago today, I woke up in a psychiatric hospital for attempting suicide.
I’m not big on anniversaries. I would hardly remember my birthday if Facebook didn’t remind me. And so it is today. Facebook said I had memories. So I went to check them out and saw all the posts of people looking for me because I didn’t realize they take away literally everything when you go to a hospital for attempting suicide, and I hadn’t planned for that by telling people where I was.
Normally I wouldn’t even mention this or bring it back up, but it felt strange to look back at these memories today. It felt strange because I was thinking about suicide again. Not in a serious, I want to do it way. I just still have the thoughts. I still want to die more often than anyone probably realizes.
It’s why I started going back to therapy again. It’s why I’m trying so hard to stay busy all the time. Because I just can’t stop. I can’t stop doing because I can’t stop thinking about suicide. They told us in the hospital, you don’t control the thoughts that come into your mind, but you control what you do with them.
It’s been six years since I have hurt myself. Six years of no self injury whatsoever, no matter how much I wanted to do it or how many times the thoughts have come. I made the decision six years ago today that I would never make people worry about me like they did that day. I would never again take the chance of hurting someone else by hurting myself.
And in all honesty, it’s been hard. It’s hard not to self injure when it comes to mind so often and it seems so easy.
I don’t know why I wrote this other than just to say, if you’re still struggling, keep going. You’re not alone. If you have mostly overcome self injury or a mental illness, but the thoughts are still there, it’s okay. You are not broken just because you have these thoughts. Having thoughts of suicide or self injury does not mean you have to listen to them or that you will do it again or never recover. There is hope. You are not alone. And you can get help.
I may always have thoughts of suicide and self injury, and I have accepted that. I will, however, never again act on those thoughts. Maybe that is inspiring or maybe it’s depressing, I’ll let you decide how you feel about it. For me though, it mostly just is.