Yesterday I almost yelled at my therapist. We were talking about depression, and he was saying that depression is focused inward; so doing good things for others can help get you out of depression. Those weren’t his words exactly, but that’s what I was getting out of the conversation.
I couldn’t help but feel indignant. I wanted to say, you have no idea what you’re talking about or who you’re talking to. Instead I said, it doesn’t matter though. It doesn’t matter how much you help people or what you do, you’re still depressed… I’m still depressed.
It helps. I’m not going to lie and say that helping others doesn’t help with depression, but it doesn’t make it go away either. I feel better when I help others, but I often still go back home and cry myself to sleep. I’ll do something good or contribute my insights, but then go home to thoughts of suicide. I’m doing good things, very good things and helping people, lots of people. But the thoughts have not disappeared, the feelings have not left, and I am still struggling nearly every day.
So… Maybe it’s time to consider medications again. I’m just tired. I’m tired of trying so hard with such small results. Therapy has been great for my struggles with autism, but so far not much has happened with my depression.
I still feel depressed. I still think of suicide and self injury often. And I’m doing everything “right” by everyone’s standards, but the thoughts aren’t changing. They’re not going away. Exercise helps; eating healthy and sleeping helps. But it’s not enough.
I don’t like the thought of medicine being used to control my mood, but more and more I feel like it may be the only option. I just want to not feel like depression is my default. I want to feel as happy as I know I am. And I just know I can’t do it alone.