I feel depressed fairly often. Some things make it better and some make it worse. Recently, I found myself surfing the web for no reason other than that I didn’t want to go to sleep. I was searching for something to change how I felt.
Then, I took the time to stop and think about what I was doing. I was searching for something to make a difference in my life, but I was searching in all the wrong places. Don’t get me wrong, the internet is great and it can help us learn and grow and change. But when I’m really looking to change me and how I’m feeling, I’m not going to find that online.
I keep searching outside of myself for peace and joy. I look for meaning and worth through other people. I want to know I am loved, with the thought that one day I might believe it. But it is all for nought. No amount of outside good or positivity will ever change who I am. Only I can do that. Only I can choose to change.
I keep searching for meaning from others, but it’s not really others I should be worried about. I should be focusing on me, studying me, learning about myself and what I think and what I have to say. I learn a lot from others and feel a lot of warmth and encouragement from them, but in the end I am the one I have to live with. And it is my view of myself that will surface in the stillness of the day. When I am alone, it is not with the person others see me to be. When I am alone, I am the person I have made myself to be in my mind.
So it is time to stop searching for myself by trying to discover what others see in me. I have a pretty good idea of how others see me, but it is time to discover how I see myself and decide if I like what I see or if I need to change and become better.