I have a hard time with love. Not the romantic kind, but the everyday friend, family, stranger kind of love. Lately I have been trying to figure out exactly what love is and what that means to me.
I have friends that say they love me. Sometimes I can say it back, but most of the time I don’t. I’m not sure why it’s so hard to say I love you. I mean, I know I do love people. I feel a warmth toward them and a desire for their happiness. Is that love?
Maybe i have such a hard time saying I love you because it doesn’t seem to fit. What does loving someone have to do with a normal conversation? I guess I still am getting over the thought that love is connected to actions. Growing up, I always thought people only loved me because of what I did for them. I felt like I wasn’t loved when I didn’t do what people wanted.
So maybe saying I love you feels like a lie because words don’t mean as much as actions. Maybe it’s the knot I get in my stomach when someone says I love you because I remember being hurt by people who said they loved me.
Whatever the reason, I’m working on it. I’m working on being better. I’m working on loving others and allowing myself to be loved by others. It’s definitely a work in progress, but I’m grateful for the examples I have along the way.