I have had this post sitting in my drafts for a while and with this most recent shooting, I feel like maybe it’s something I should talk about now.
I will never own a gun. And I believe it’s a decision a lot more people should make.
The blatantly honest truth is that I don’t trust myself with a gun. I know that I would not be alive today if I owned or had access to a gun. It’s just too easy- it’s too easy to kill yourself with a gun.
People say, “don’t make a forever decision based on how you feel right now.” It’s a lot harder to remember that when you’re actually in the situation though.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat on the floor with a knife or a rope or cord in my hands. What I can say is that more often than I intended, that cord ended up being wrapped around my neck. I can tell you that in moments of despair, you forget how much you want to live. I can say that I am so grateful I never had a gun in my hands. There are times when I found myself sprawled on the floor with some sort of suicide enabler, and I wondered what the heck I was doing. I can tell you that the result wouldn’t have been nearly as positive if I had a gun.
Now, suicidal thoughts are a lot different than wanting to harm others, but the point I’m trying to make is if you have negative temptations, don’t allow the possibility of negative effects.
I’m not saying this to promote gun regulation or say that you shouldn’t own a gun if you have some sort of mental illness. What I am saying is know yourself. And be willing to do something if needed to keep yourself (and potentially others) safe.
As long as there are guns in the world, there will be people who use them for bad things. I’m not talking about those things. I’m not talking about people who commit crimes. I’m talking about the good people in the world that break, snap, lose control, and then do things they would never otherwise do. I do not trust myself with a gun, not because I would ever hurt anyone else, but because I know I would hurt me.
As much as I talk about and think about suicide, I want to live. I love life. I love being alive. But I can’t trust myself to have self control and make good choices when I am in the grasp of depression. So please, if you are the same way, do what you need to do to keep yourself and others safe. It’s not worth the tragedy that could result if you don’t.