I have been writing this blog for a long time. I have been living with autism (aspergers) for a long time. I have been learning how to seem normal for a long time.
What I haven’t been doing for a long time is learning how to be autistic.
It might seem strange that I would need to learn to be autistic since I have autism, but it’s the reality. I have learned to suppress everything that comes natural to me. I have learned not to stim in public, not to have special interests or at least not talk about them like I want to, not to have meltdowns around others.
And in all non-autistic circles, this is all a great success. I am high functioning. I am as close as you come to “cured”.
But… In autistic circles, I feel like a failure or at least a novice. I don’t know how to allow myself to be autistic. I don’t know how to be comfortable with being autistic. I don’t know if I even want to be autistic.
Is there a middle ground? Can I be autistic and normal and different and perfectly me all at the same time? Do I have to choose between living an autistic life or living a lie? Is that even what the choices are?
Like I said, I’m just starting to learn how to be autistic. But it is overwhelming sometimes. I thought learning about autism would make me feel less alone, but in some ways I have felt more alone.
I’m just starting… Just starting to try to find my place in the world. Please be patient. Please be kind. I don’t know where I’m going and I’m just starting a journey to a destination that I’m not even sure exists.