Last night I had my last therapy session. I have had therapy off and on since I was a kid, but I have never ended therapy because I didn’t need it anymore, until now. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m going to be okay. For the first time in my life, I am not scared that I will get to a place of absolute darkness again. I have hope and resources and support.
I never imagined I would get to this point. I know that depression is temporary, but I saw my life as a continual cycle of light and darkness. That’s what my life has been like up until this point. I am a happy person, but I would go through weeks, months, and years of depression. There was little hope in those dark times. There was no escape from the thoughts of suicide, worthlessness, and hopelessness. I pictured the rest of my life following that pattern of darkness, depression, and hopelessness, mingled with periods of light, hope, and respite from the storm.
I am so grateful to finally have hope. I don’t expect depression to disappear from my life, but I am not scared of it like I was before. I am not scared of myself anymore. I am not scared that one day the darkness will win.
My biggest fear up until this point was that I wouldn’t be able to hold back the darkness. My biggest fear was that I would cut my life short in a moment of despair. And I feared it because it was so normal. It was so normal to think of death, of suicide, of ways it would happen or how it would happen.
For most people, suicide is something they think about in their darkest moments, when they have lost all hope or see no way out. For me, suicide is something I think about nearly every day, even when I’m not going through depression. So before, when I had no way to cope with those thoughts, they were pretty scary because I figured it was only a matter of time before I acted on it.
I am so grateful that is no longer my reality. I am so grateful to have hope. I am so grateful for the help and therapy and support that has gotten me to this point. I could not have done it alone, and I am so grateful that I didn’t have to.