Maybe it’s lack of sleep. Maybe it’s starting to get sick because I haven’t gotten enough sleep to fight sickness. Maybe it’s being in nearly constant pain. Maybe it’s not eating enough or not getting the nutrients I need because I’m afraid of being in pain from my reflux disease. Maybe it’s just stress from trying to figure out school and interviewing for jobs and working and everything else.
All I know is I’m tired. I’m tired of trying. I don’t want to celebrate holidays this year. I don’t want to wrap presents or go visit family or do anything. I just want to stay home on my days off and sleep. I want to wake up and not do anything for one day. I just want to disappear for one day.
Sometimes suicide seems like a good idea because life is too much to handle. Sometimes suicide seems like the only way to disappear. Sometimes suicide just seems like a break from life. Sometimes suicide seems like the only way to relieve the pain.
I know it isn’t. I know suicide isn’t a solution or even an option. But sometimes I wish it was. I just feel so much and sometimes I just want it to stop.