I Still Want to Die

Life is good. Life is super good. Everything is going well. I got into college with the major I want for my second bachelor’s degree. I got into the classes I need. My previous school work transferred well. My job is good. My family is great. I have more friends than ever, and they are completely amazing. Life couldn’t be much better.

Yet, I still lie in bed wanting to die sometimes. I’m not saying this for you to feel sorry for me or worry about me or reach out to me. I’m saying this because it’s real. And maybe because it’s real, I’m not alone. Maybe someone will understand and relate and connect. Maybe someone will not feel so alone after reading this, knowing that someone else feels this way too.

The hardest part about feeling this way is feeling like you can’t tell anyone. Because your life is good and you have no reason, no right to hurt… As if you were in control… And you break because you don’t know why, and you cry because there’s no excuse, and it makes you want to die more because you don’t deserve to feel sorry for yourself, you don’t deserve to be loved because you can’t even make yourself happy when you have every reason to be.

And the problem is that you are happy. You’re incredibly happy. And most of the time you feel like it. But you still want to die. In the darkness of your room, the darkness of your mind, you still think of death. And it seems so beautiful. And you don’t understand the fear because death seems like the only escape. But you are happy. I am happy. You keep repeating it to yourself because it doesn’t make any sense. Why do I want to die when I’m happy?

But it’s okay. It’s just a bad day. It’s just a bad night. Tomorrow will be better. Just go to sleep. Just sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

This was sort of written in a stream of consciousness style. I didn’t edit it. So hopefully it makes sense.

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6 thoughts on “I Still Want to Die

  1. Dear Julia, I have asperger friend thinking to bad thoughts about Death sometimes, how can I help him in that moments ? which words may I use to help not to think about terrible things ? May I say him that I care for him or is it worse? How can I help in the best way? Which right words to say? Which right words would you like to listen from a friend that really cares about you even if I live far away from you? Many thanks if you could answer me. Gratefully

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    • Saying that you care is never a bad thing. Sometimes there are no words to say. Sometimes the best thing is just sitting with someone in total silence, just to know someone is there. It really just depends on the situation. But if you do say something, usually the best things to say are words of encouragement, things like “I care” and “you’re doing better than you think” and “I missed you” and “I love you” and “I’m here for you”.

      For me, I just need to know that I’m not alone, that I matter, that I make a difference, that I’m loved and missed and that people really do care. In my darkest moments of depression and suicidal thoughts, I believed that I was a burden and no one wanted me around. It’s good to know the opposite is true.

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      • DEAR July, i’ m so sorry to read your post of suicide today. I’m so sorry and full of pain. Quite everyday I say that I care and that I love this person and that his life is a gift for world and i really think it is. But I don’t live near to this person and so I just can write him. It is very difficult for me say right words, if you can write me to phlomis68@yahoo.it

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