Resolutions/ Gift to God

I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions because I don’t think you should wait for a particular date to make positive changes in your life. I do, however, like the idea of giving a gift to Christ when we celebrate his birth.

Last year, I gave the gift of prayer. Christ has always been my best friend from the time I was a child, he was the only one I could turn to in the darkness and loneliness. I realized though that I had neglected to really talk to God like I used to. I still prayed. I just didn’t really communicate with him. Throughout this year I focused on rebuilding that relationship, on getting to know my Father again, and allowing Him to be a part of my life. I have gone through amazing changes this year and hardly recognize who I used to be.

I wanted to do that again this year, give a gift to Christ and then focus on it all next year. However, as I asked for feedback on what I could give, the feedback I received indicated that I may be focusing on the wrong things. It is good to want to be better, but maybe the gift I need to give this year is to myself. Maybe this year I need to learn to love myself. It’s still a gift to God because I know he wants me to be happy and love myself, but maybe it’s also about time that I do something for me.

The truth is that I really don’t like myself. I look in the mirror and think, “how could anyone ever love you? You will never be enough. You could never be beautiful.” No wonder I want to die so much… The only good thing I ever say to myself is “you do good things.” And I repeat it over and over because it’s the only compliment I can actually believe.

Maybe this year I will give the gift of changing that- changing how I talk to and about myself. In all honesty, it will be hard to give up hating myself. I don’t enjoy hating myself, but I don’t see any reason to love myself and coming up with reasons seems like a daunting task. Is it possible to love someone you hate? I have already proven that is possible this year, I just have to prove it to myself this time.

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One thought on “Resolutions/ Gift to God

  1. Juni Desireé says:

    I can relate to those things you tell yourself. Sometimes that negative self talk can be so painful. It is very hard to change it, I’ve found. One thing that’s helped me is when I learnt that God was sort of saying to me in a kind way: How dare you say such things to yourself and tell yourself lies. How dare you believe such things. That sounds really angry, but I felt he wasn’t angry at me, but that this kind of negative self talk can happen at all. Our eyes have been opened to seeing things a different way than God’s and it is destructive. He was saying to me, no-one should tell you those things, don’t believe them. Okay, better stop there since I feel a blog post coming along – hehe. Thanks for inspiring me to share another part of my journey.

    Liked by 1 person

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