Forgive Yourself

Do you ever insult yourself for doing something good? Criticize yourself for helping someone out? Degrade yourself for trying to be happy or make someone else happy?

This is my daily reality. A constant barrage of self hate and degradation with the occasional word of encouragement that maybe this once I really did do something good.

I’m desperately trying to learn how to be kind to myself. It is difficult to change the way you see and talk to yourself after so many years of pain and hate, inflicting what I thought was justice on myself because I was unworthy of mercy.

Every time I think of it, I just want to hug myself and say, “It’s okay. You’re a good person. It’s not your fault they didn’t understand. It’s not your fault they yelled at you for trying to help. It’s not your fault. You did your best.

“Chewie… Please forgive yourself… They didn’t know how much it would hurt you or how guilty it would make you feel. They didn’t know that you would torture yourself for your mistakes. They didn’t know that by telling you not to do something, you understood that you were a bad person.

“Please forgive yourself. You do a lot of good. Forgive yourself for the times when you were trying to do good and were yelled at or told you were wrong or made to feel like you were a bad person. Forgive yourself for being good and then maybe you can forgive yourself for the times you are not so good.”

I wasn’t planning on posting especially about this kind of thing so close to the holidays, but tonight I just needed to feel like I’m not so alone. I don’t know if anyone else understands, but maybe this will at least give you a glimpse of why it is so hard for me to see the good in myself.

One thought on “Forgive Yourself

  1. Hello, I just stumbled upon your blog and love how open you are. It takes courage and strength to be so open and honest and raw in your writing and speaking with others. Your warmth & your beauty shine through your words. It’s so great to try to help others even if it doesn’t go as planned, even if they do not appreciate us for trying to help, all that matters is that we try and keep loving. Just the fact that you want to help and want others to be happy is evidence of your beautiful heart. We all have good & not so good things about us, flaws and perfections, mistakes we have made, beauty and ugliness; I prefer to focus more on the good and accept the less than perfect and forgive the wrong. I struggle with severe, suicidal depression and am very open about it in person and online. I used to be constantly depressed & suicidal but now it mostly just comes in episodes. It is very difficult to cope with when it flares up and sometimes even when I’m not depressed, it’s hard to cope with the fact that I have this disorder. And I want to reach out to others and bring any kind of comfort or inspiration I can to anyone I can. I use social media to try to bring hope & love to others. My experience with severe depression and suicidal inclination and healing is a significant part of me and helps deepen my empathy for others and see beauty in ways I wouldn’t without it. Even with my struggle with depression and severe headaches, I still find much beauty and hope in this life and want to share it with anyone who cares to receive it. Thank you for sharing your beauty and strength; I appreciate it. Sharing our own experience is a great way to help others heal or feel a sense of consolation or connection. Hugs & love to you. ❤ You are never alone even when it feels that way. I'm always here and so many understand. ❤ ~ Kim

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