My New Friends

I have amazing friends.

That is such a powerful statement.

Just saying I have friends seems like such an accomplishment, but to have friends as amazing as I do now is almost unbelievable.

The thing is, I finally realized that it was me that was the problem. I could have had amazing friends a long time ago, but I denied myself that gift out of fear.

The friends that I have now are no different in friendliness or kindness or generosity than the friends I had in the past. I have been incredibly blessed with amazing people in my life. I just never thought I was worthy of them; so I never did anything to put them in my life. Well, I tried, but I tried like a fish trying to breathe with no water. It was futile because I felt inherently incompatible with the goodness I saw in other people.

I can’t say I feel compatible with the amazing people around me just yet, but I see a spark of that goodness in me. I see a glimmer, a light, an opportunity to be better. My availability of good friends hasn’t changed. They have always been there, but I have changed.

I decided to quiet my fears. I decided to text someone when my mind told me not to. I decided to sit next to someone or talk to someone or make a comment when I was incredibly scared. Those small, deliberate decisions have changed everything.

I’m still scared. I’m terrified even when I text someone I have messaged before or make a comment in a familiar setting. I still fear the worst will happen. But courage is not the absence of fear, but the decision to act despite being scared. So I have acted and I am elated by the results. I can only hope it continues, and keep pushing past the fear that I’m not good enough. If these people are friends with me, there must be some good in me.

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