I know it’s after midnight on Christmas Eve… But if you’re awake and don’t mind talking for a minute… I’m just having a rough night…
I have certain rules of friendship that I came up with a long time ago. I don’t know if they are accurate or necessary or even helpful, but I rarely break them. I just don’t consider myself worth the time of others. I am afraid that if I demand too much of my friends, I won’t have any… which is pretty funny considering I haven’t really had any for a while. Of course, I mostly attributed that to demanding too much of the friends I could have had.
I wrote this message last night to a dear friend who I know would be there for me if I just asked. But I wrote it with no intention of sending it. I couldn’t send it. It broke too many of my rules… never message anyone after 10 pm, never ask to talk to someone for no real reason, never bother anyone during the holidays, and never burden anyone with your problems. I couldn’t justify sending a message for just me when I knew I would be okay if I just waited long enough.
I read this quote the other day:
I know I would stay up if my friend needed me. If one of my friends was sad or lonely or hopeless or struggling, I would want them to come to me no matter what time it is. I have stayed up with complete strangers before because they needed someone. I have been asked by people I have never met if I would stay with them, talk to them, be with them- just so they wouldn’t have to be alone. And I have. I have stayed up all night with a complete stranger because I knew they needed it or wanted it or simply would suffer less because of it.
Is it so strange to think someone could do the same for me? Is it so strange to think someone might want to stay up for me? Is it so strange to believe someone might love me as much as I love a complete stranger?
I don’t know if this is the type of message I would ever send, but it is something to think about… Can I, should I, is it possible for me to be loved like I love others? Am I worth the love I give to others?
I know the answer should be yes, but I can’t help thinking no… No, you’ll never be loved like that… No, you’re not worth the time… No, you don’t deserve it… You don’t deserve love, time, someone who cares about you…
Someday maybe that dialogue will change, but until then, this remains the message I’ll never send.