My first couple of years in college, I went through major depression. I attempted suicide multiple times, struggled with an eating disorder, and was generally not enjoyable to be around. I’m a pretty happy person normally and did have fun with my friends, but I was a cynic and unable to see past the dark on a regular basis. I didn’t realize then how depressing and annoying I was. Looking back at my posts though, I am repulsed by my selfishness and pessimism.
Now I have a friend going through something similar. She is struggling with bipolar disorder and is not always the most fun person to be around. I love her and would do anything for her, but I do get annoyed at the pessimism that surrounds her aura at times. It makes me marvel that anyone even tried with me when I was depressing to be around.
I will readily admit that I am not enjoyable to be friends with when I am struggling. I have grown a lot in the past couple of years, but I can still be quite the jerk when I am overwhelmed and in pain. It is hard to be friends with someone who is consumed by negative emotions. I don’t blame people for not wanting to be friends with me when I am depressed.
However, I know how dark life is when you don’t have friends while going through depression. Feeling alone in the darkness of depression is the loneliest feeling I have ever known. Because I know that feeling, I am even more committed to being a friend to my friends that are struggling.
I’m glad I know that loneliness and the pain of knowing I contributed to my own loneliness by my actions and negativity. I’m glad I regret my selfishness in that time. I am grateful for my pain because it gives me a reason to keep trying to help and be a friend despite how hard it may become. I am so grateful for all the people who tried to be my friend when I was depressed. I didn’t deserve it and I don’t know if I would have done the same if I didn’t struggle with this.