November 14, 2015 dispelled my hopes of having friends. It was a blatant reminder of all the times I was excited at the prospect of friendship and disappointed by the outcome. To me, that day was a sign that nothing had changed.
The day after though was a sign that I was wrong. Things had indeed changed. It was just a bad day, a bad night, an unwanted reminder of my past, but also an inaccurate reflection of my future. Since that day, I have seen just how wrong I really was.
I had recognized change before in me and in my life, but that Friday made me question the reality of that change. Did I really have friends? Was I just dreaming that things had changed, that people finally saw me? Was it even worth trying if my life seemed destined for loneliness?
It seemed incredibly hopeless. If I had changed that much and had forged so much progress only to find myself back at the beginning, there was no use in trying. I was ready to consign myself to a life of loneliness, but that unconquerable part of me told me to keep on going, to keep trying, that I was close if I just didn’t give up.
So I kept going and I tried to be brave and act like I was okay. I tried to pretend that it didn’t matter, that I wasn’t affected by it even though it killed me inside. The facade can only last so long though and I broke. I broke down to my friend and in doing so, realized that I was indeed wrong. Things had changed and I really would be okay.
So many experiences since that day have reaffirmed that things are not how they used to be, and I don’t have to be alone. I am recognizing the changes in my life and in myself. I am recognizing that I am not alone and that I don’t have to be alone. I admit that I still struggle with lots of other things, but at least with having friends, I have made some progress.
And I continue to work towards change and improvement. I recognize the changes as little things happen to reassure me of my progress. I recognize that things are not how they once were. I am different. I am better. Life is better, and I really will be okay.