On the way to California, I listened to the book, Jacob T. Marley. It’s a really good book and I highly recommend it. Anyway, towards the end of the book it talks about Ebenezer Scrooge and says that he was the most well-known anonymous giver in London. Apparently I have the same problem at my church.
There are two conflicting mindsets in my head. The first is the quote, “Never suppress a generous thought.” The second is the anxiety, fear, and insecurity I have about myself and the good I try to do.
I have a lot of generous thoughts. I just know the world is hard and people are hurting, and I want to do all I can to make things better. But because the world is hard, I know that intending to do good doesn’t always mean that people will see it as good. Because of this, I greatly fear acting on my generous thoughts.
A couple nights ago, I wanted to do something kind. I gathered some supplies and intended to drop off a little gift at a few people’s houses. It was small and rather insignificant, but I was paralyzed. I didn’t want to go by myself, but I had no one who I could ask to go with me. I honestly drove around for a while and then just broke down and cried. When I finished, I went to the people’s houses and dropped off the gifts, then buried myself in studies for the rest of the night.
It is hard doing good. I know how hard it is. I panic every time I drop something off for someone. I get anxious and scared and have lots of breakdowns and tears. Yet, I still do it because I know that it makes a difference. In some small way, it changes things for someone. “Have courage and be kind.” Sometimes that is all we can do to make this world better.
autismthoughts 