I read too much into things. I assume that someone not talking to me means they hate me or I annoy them or they just simply don’t care about me.
A few months ago in therapy, we briefly discussed why I don’t reach out to people. My therapist proposed a low cost to reaching out, but I told him about the high cost I feel from it. I am terribly afraid of people. I am afraid of being abused. I am afraid of being yelled at. I pretend like everything is okay and that things don’t affect me, but the truth is that I am afraid of breaking down, all the time.
I would almost rather disappear. I would almost rather be the only person in the world than try to navigate the dangerous waters of socializing. But if I’m going to be around people, I need them like I need to breathe. I need them to like me, to think well of me, but mostly to not get annoyed with me.
I don’t care if people hate me. I don’t care if they yell at me or put me down- as long as it’s not someone I care about. If someone I care about even thinks I’m annoying, that destroys me.
Maybe it’s because I find lots of people with Aspergers to be annoying. I know that is terrible to say, but it’s true. They talk too much and don’t listen enough. They are always trying to bring all conversation back to them. They get upset when you don’t do things a certain way. Not everyone with Aspergers is like this, just the ones I think are annoying.
I guess I’m just afraid of becoming that. I know it is not their fault. They don’t understand that what they are doing is pushing people away rather than drawing them in. That’s why I’m so afraid of annoying people. I am afraid that I won’t realize that what I’m doing is pushing people away rather than drawing them in. I don’t know how to tell if someone is annoyed. I don’t know how to tell when I’ve said or done too much.
That is why it is so hard to do good. I want to make people happier, but I don’t know if it will cross a line. Do people get tired of good things being done for them? Do they get tired of thank you notes or just expressions of gratitude? Do they get tired of hearing how amazing they are or how much they are appreciated?
These are the questions I want answered. These are the questions I need answered if things are ever going to change. I need to know if what I am doing is okay, because otherwise, it will always feel wrong, and I’ll always struggle with the fear of not knowing if what I do is really good or not.