Suicide

The demons are real.

It is hard to post about certain things because they are so real that you really don’t want people to know just how real they are. Especially when the people who would worry are probably going to read what you write. It’s like giving your mom your journal to read. I could, of course, hide this from anyone who it might hurt, but then they would never know. That’s the problem with mental illness, you don’t want the people who should know to ever know, but the silence solves nothing.

So, here’s the truth: I want to die. I know you don’t see a reason for it. Neither do I. I know I am doing good things. I know I am loved. I know I am needed. I even know I have worth. But suicide calls me like a familiar friend. It greets me with open arms and says, “come find peace”.

I try to stay away. I pray. I search for goodness. I try to stay healthy, to think good thoughts. I listen to uplifting music. I have faith and hope and love. I do good things.

But I scream silently. I struggle with the noise inside of me. I gasp for breath past suicide’s alluring arms. Death… It seems so easy… So near… Just a respite away. I long for it like a parched throat longs for water, yet I know I cannot drink.

The demons are real. I won’t do it… I can’t do it… But the demons are real… Please understand, the demons are real…

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19 thoughts on “Suicide

  1. I just read this post, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m sure there is nothing I could say to change your thoughts, the demon inside. But like all demons, they have fear as well. They hate the light. They hate hope. I write a blog about the constant battles in public education. I wrote this post tonight. You are that winter flower, hanging on when everything around you says you shouldn’t. You are beating the demons.
    https://exceptionaldelaware.wordpress.com/2016/01/24/the-winter-flower/

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  2. I know this feeling well. Sometimes it’s like everything is wrong and I want to die but even worse are the occasions nothing is wrong and yet I still want to die and don’t know why. On those occasions it just doesn’t make sense. It can be a beautiful day with everything going right, surrounded by loving friends/family with everything I need but still I want nothing but to die. I understand what it’s like. I think for the most part, it’s just a chemical imbalance for some of us. It can feel so lonely even though there are people who understand well, like you and me. There are so many others who understand. And you’re right, it can be hard to talk and write about because there are those who don’t understand and those who will have a fearful or unpleasant reaction. But it’s better to tell someone, even if just to relieve some of the pain and distress building up and to deepen the empathy and understanding of others for people with depression and suicidal inclination. Even many of the people who react with fear want to know of the suffering and do whatever they can, even if all they can do is love & listen. Yes, it’s very, very real even if it cannot be seen by others or even understood by our own selves sometimes. I’m so happy you have the courage to post about it and bring awareness to issues like this. I hope you will keep going and keep posting here, even things like this that may be uncomfortable and not all positive seeming. Hugs & much love to you. โค

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  3. Yes it is right to stay silence solves nothing. But it’s painful for me to read these words. I try to give love but i feel that love can’t be enough, maybe i can’t do enough to win on suicide. Love is not enough? How can love and hope not to be enough?

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    • Love and hope are not enough to stop the thoughts. The thoughts are there for some of us no matter what is going on or how much we’re loved or how good life is. But love can be enough to stop us from acting on the thoughts. I still think about suicide, but I don’t act on those thoughts because of love.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the posts. Honestly, I think I post about suicide because I don’t want that to happen. If it ever does happen, I don’t want it to be a surprise to anyone. I don’t want them to blame themselves or wonder what happened. I don’t plan on ever doing it, but like I said, the demons are real.

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  4. Sometimes it takes just staying alive that next minute, that next hour. My best friend on earth killed herself when i was 25; she was also my cousin and there is a lot of mental illness and difference in my family. I’ve managed to stay alive this long and most days I am very grateful…other days the darkness descends for sure. But I KNOW, in the balance, the light and gratitude win. Always.

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