Depression Doesn’t Mean I’m Not Happy

I want you to know that depression doesn’t keep me from being happy. I know that sounds like a contradiction, but when we remember that depression is simply a mental illness, or in other words, sickness that occurs in the mind, it makes sense.

I have an undiagnosed medical condition that has prevented me from being able to eat normally. Although it can be serious at times and it means my eating habits widely differ from those of most people, I am overall fairly healthy. The same is true with my mental illness. Although I may have long periods of darkness when I see little light or hope in life, I am overall happy.

In fact, I am one of the happiest people I know. Even though I think about suicide sometimes, even though I still struggle with desires for self injury, even though I sometimes cry for hours at a time for no real reason, I am incredibly, undeniably happy.

Here’s the thing, life is incredibly difficult. There are hard things, painful things, things that make you want to cry or scream or even stop living. But there are also beautiful things, amazing things, things that make you want to jump up and down and shout for joy and sing your heart out.

I feel those things, all of those things, the good and the bad. Because I have autism, I feel the world around me more than most. Because of depression, I feel emotions within me more than most. Because of my life experiences, I am more acquainted than most with pain and beauty, suffering and peace, destruction and ugliness.

So I struggle with the noise inside of me. I struggle to reconcile the explosions of joy that I feel with the craters of hopelessness that I experience. I struggle to make sense of this beautiful, crazy, heartbreaking world we live in.

But I want you to know that though the depression returns, though my suicidal thoughts may not disappear, though I wade through depths of darkness and hopelessness, I am happy. My depression does not leave me desolate. I still have joy. I still jump up and down flapping my arms because my body cannot contain the excitement of my happiness.

Yes, I may be depressed, but depression does not always equal sorrow. I am still happy.

3 thoughts on “Depression Doesn’t Mean I’m Not Happy

  1. I couldn’t have said this better myself! I am naturally very happy, positive, cheerful….it’s just that I have episodes/symptoms of depression. Unlike what many people assume, depression isn’t a grim view of the world or bad attitude, although depression can sometimes contribute to that. It’s a true sickness that hits just like a physical one. Just because it has to do with our mind doesn’t mean that we are not naturally happy people. I feel that depression violates my cheerful personality and it’s confusing for people who don’t understand depression. Thank you so much for writing this! I have been wanting to write a post to explain how depression isn’t just being miserable or negative and that depressed people are some of the most happiest people! And yes, depression and other conditions, help us see the world and view life in ways we never would without it, in a good way. In that way, I view it as a blessing. I want to curse my depression on so many occasions for all I feel it has done to me and taken away but often I’m so thankful for what it teaches me. But I never seem to be able to explain good how depression doesn’t mean I’m miserable or unhappy. I just have to share your post! Thank you!! I love all your posts. You always have so much wisdom to share and I can relate to so much of what you say. I don’t usually meet people I relate to this much in this way. I’m so happy to read that even with longterm depression and other conditions, you are still happy. ❤ I always feel so empowered when I read what you write.

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  2. Reblogged this on A Dose of Inspiration and commented:
    Yes! Depression is a sickness; it does not mean we are not naturally happy people or that all our smiles and laughter is fake even on the days we’re depressed. It doesn’t mean we’re miserable. It’s not a bad attitude or bleak outlook on life. Just like physical illnesses and symptoms occur for very happy people, so can depressive symptoms and episodes. I have frequent suicidal thoughts & urges off and on. But it doesn’t mean I’m not a happy girl. I can be having a very happy day then out of nowhere be hit with depression and sink into dark despair and feel like killing myself all in one day. But even with depression, I’m lighthearted and easily amused. Depression will never take that away. Depression is not my personality or attitude. It’s a true sickness that takes me over. But underneath I’m still the happy me I naturally am. Please check out this wonderful post to get a better idea of what depression is like for us who have it like this, a lifelong condition. We’re some of the happiest, wisest people you can meet! ❤ 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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