Most of the time I don’t think about the fact that I have Aspergers. It just is, like being a woman just is. You don’t think about it unless there is a reason to, such as walking into a bathroom. You remember your gender when you see the signs indicating a separation, and you go into the bathroom that corresponds to your gender.
There are signs of separation for socializing too. They may not be as obvious as other signs, but they tell us where to go in social situations. They tell us how to respond to jokes and sarcasm. Sometimes though, for someone with autism, these signs of separation are misunderstood. It’s like accidentally going into the wrong bathroom. You don’t realize you don’t belong until you see the looks on people’s faces or the indications that you made a mistake.
Navigating the social world is hard. I carefully analyzed social norms to determine what is acceptable, only to realize that acceptable is a matter of perspective. Acceptable is defined by situation, individual personalities, and relationship status. While I viewed acceptable behavior through the level of relationships of acquaintances, that is about as far as I ever got with it. It wasn’t until I stepped out of that box that I was able to discover a new level of friendship with its own acceptability and behaviors.
Sometimes I remember that I have autism- maybe because I made a mistake and find myself in an awkward situation or maybe because it is brought to my attention that I lack an understanding that others possess. It can be difficult and anxiety provoking to realize this. I break down sometimes under the pressure and realization that I do not seem to belong. I wonder if I will ever understand the signs or be able to fit in.
I have hope though. Things such as making friends like I have never had before give me hope. I still fall apart when I make a mistake sometimes. I am still working on not beating myself up for saying the wrong thing or misunderstanding someone. Overall though, autism is just part of my journey. I may not understand it and it may make some things more difficult, but it doesn’t keep me from being happy.
autismthoughts 
Reblogged this on A Dose of Inspiration and commented:
You’re a very intelligent & wise woman! I love that! If I knew you in person I would love to be your friend and absolutely love being your bloggy friend. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s very unfortunate that people often aren’t more understanding and accepting and don’t even try to be. That’s the real problem, not Autism, disabilities, differences…themselves, it’s the way people respond to people when they don’t understand something about them. If we would all act in compassion and love and reach out to embrace each other no matter what our differences are, the world would be a much better place. You have great intentions and often work hard to be as great as you can. That’s really all that matters and if people don’t understand or appreciate that, it’s really their problem and not yours even if it’s painful for you to experience their coldness. There’s always people in the world who will understand. ❤ This is a very inspiring post, thank you!!
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Thanks! I have been lucky over the last few years to have many supportive people who at least try to understand. It has helped me overcome some of the fears and anxieties that developed over the many years of not having that. And I agree, it’s not the disabilities/ differences that are the problem, it’s how people react to them.
Thank you for reading and being understanding! 🙂
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My son has Aspergers and I know the journey is not an easy one. I applaud your speaking out and helping the world understand your point of view. Hopefully, it will help others to understand your world a little better and be more understanding and compassionate.
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Thanks!
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