Sometimes, I forget I have autism. Sometimes, I forget for so long that remembering is a painful experience.
Tonight, I remembered why things are so hard sometimes. I don’t know how other people see me. That is possibly one of the hardest parts of having autism. I never know if I just think I’m being awkward or if I really am awkward. But I feel lost sometimes. I feel like I’m looking around unsure of what to do or where to go.
I remember when I was in therapy that my therapist said that you should try to stay if a situation makes you feel anxious because leaving will reinforce that feeling of anxiety and the relief of escaping. So I try to stay. But it seems that staying makes things worse so many times. Staying just seems to re-tramatize me. I don’t want to remember that I have autism. I don’t want to remember that I have a hard time socializing in groups. I don’t want to remember that I don’t fit in.
Tonight, I remembered. But tomorrow will be better. I just have to hold on to hope. Tonight, I may break down and dislike myself or my autism. But tomorrow, tomorrow will be better.