Tonight

I don’t want to do it today.

I have this list of things to do on the weekend. Important things that will set up the rest of my week are on that list. And I know if I don’t start on Friday night, I’ll be super stressed on Saturday, and Sunday will be sheer panic attacks if I leave things until then.

But… I just don’t want to do it today. I have been in intense pain for a few days and mostly stayed in bed aside from work. But I feel the isolation, and it reminds me how easily I slip into depression, and I wonder if this is a health break or allowing myself to slip into that darkness again.

The other problem is that it is finals week. I have a paper to write and a project to program and readings to study. But… I don’t want to do it tonight…

I want to lie in bed and hope the world falls away. I want to starve myself because eating is too complicated and I don’t want to try anymore. I want to isolate and give up.

Everyone sees me as strong. They see me just doing everything, just doing, just keeping on going.

Would you love me if you saw the brokenness? Would you be there for me in my isolation and melancholy? Would you tell me to keep going anyway, or would you sit with me and allow me to not be okay for a little bit?

I’m not okay… But… I will be… I always am because there are people who love me even through all this.

But, tonight, I just don’t want to do it.

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2 thoughts on “Tonight

  1. From someone who has suffered depression myself and anxiety, I know too, how easy I can slip back. I don’t make things easy with myself, as sometimes I can be my own worst enemy. I can easily be a critic of myself and if I am feeling low, than I seem to be more of a critic of myself or a less positive attitude. I’m glad to hear you do have people near you to support you, take time out tonight to just pamper yourself. Even if it’s just a soak in the bath with some of the nice fragrances you have and then after have your feet up. Take tomorrow as a new day and hopefully that day will feel different and don’t be far from your friends. Hugs.

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