A Good Person

When someone drops something, I naturally want to help them pick it up. When someone is hurting or sad or depressed, I naturally want to comfort them. When someone appears lonely or out of place, I naturally want to be their friend. When someone needs help, I naturally rush to their aid.

I naturally want to help people feel good about themselves. I naturally love people. I am naturally thankful. I desire to do kind things and let people know how much they are loved. I desire to always do good, to make others happy, to make the world a better place.

With all of these things that come naturally, with all of these good thoughts I have, you probably think I would consider myself to be a good person. Β The reality is that I hate myself. I consider myself unworthy, not good enough, a mistake, and ultimately a bad person.

I feel like when I’m reaching out to help others, I am messing up. I feel like when I sit with someone who appears lonely, I am being annoying. I feel like when I drop off flowers or candy or a note on someone’s doorstep, I did it wrong. I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough. I will never be good enough. I will never be enough.

I tried to explain this to a friend of mine. I tried to explain that when I have the urge to do something good, I feel wrong about it. Over the last couple years, I have dropped off many anonymous gifts at people’s homes. Every time I did, I came home and cried. I stepped into my room and fell to my knees, sobbing and wanting to die.

People see the good and think, “she’s such a good person.” I see the good and think to myself, “what makes you qualified to think you know how to help someone? What makes you worthy to do kind things? What makes you think that they will appreciate this?” In looking at the good that I do, I am not proud of it; I am ashamed. I hate myself for the good that I do just as much as I hate myself for the mistakes that I make.

I used to stop myself from doing good. I would force myself to shut up and sit down. I would insult myself until I felt so small and insignificant that I would not think I was capable of doing the thing I desired. I still feel like that, but I do good anyway. I follow my kind thoughts, no matter how much it hurts, or how hard it is, or how much I hate myself for it, I do not postpone a generous thought.

Why do I hate myself this much? Why do I believe I am a horrible person, worthy of pain and punishment? Why is doing good things so hard when it comes naturally? I’m not sure. Maybe partly because of experiences I had.

I remember being yelled at for trying to help. I remember feeling like a bad person because I tried doing something good, but I did it wrong and was told it was better to not do it at all if I couldn’t do it right. I remember being yelled at for trying to coordinate efforts for good. I remember over and over being told that I did things wrong, that I communicated wrong, that I was wrong.

Eventually, I believed it. I believed I was wrong. I am a bad person. I do not do good things, I just do things that are good in bad ways. I will never be enough.

Am I good? Will I ever be good? Will I ever love myself? I don’t know, but I am trying. I am trying to be a good person and to believe I am a good person. It is difficult. I still worry, but I do my best. Maybe one day I’ll believe that I am good, that I am worthy of love, that the good I do is enough, that I am enough. Until then, I will just do my best to keep doing good despite how I feel about it.

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12 thoughts on “A Good Person

  1. I remember feeling like this. So horrible that you are feeling like this. All I will say is that to experience happiness you need to understand sadness. So when happiness comes for you, you’ll feel it so much more.
    Sorry if this comment offends I guess I wanted to do good like you. ❀️

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  2. I think what makes someone a good person is them having the desire to help others. A lot of people don’t even notice when someone may be in need of someone. You are a good person. I guess, maybe, people just need to let you know when you do things right. But, then again, I don’t think there is really a wrong way to love. I think you’re a good person.

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    • Thanks. It does help when people let me know that things I’ve done are good. I get extremely anxious and just worry so much when I do something, but if someone lets me know it was good, it helps relieve a lot of that anxiety.

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  3. I wonder how many people smiled at your anonymous gifts you left at their homes. I know I would be surprised and wondering, but then enjoying the experience of the gift.

    You sound like a lovely person, a person who naturally wants to help. I am like that and I have also liked you, wondered when I have naturally done something to help someone, whether I was right to have done that. I can easily be a self-critic of myself. But I am learning to worry less when helping people and trying not to be hard of myself too. But it takes time to do this and experience and like me, you will one day be less hard on yourself too and enjoying helping people that need it.

    They say what goes around, comes around and so one day you will enjoy the experience of something nice towards you, or maybe you have already received something nice back personally, as well as these lovely comments here for you. πŸ™‚

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    • Thanks πŸ™‚ I have been thanked for some of the anonymous gifts I have left. Even though they were anonymous, some people figured out it was me after a while. And I have experienced some kindness and generosity in return. Like you said, it takes time, but I hope it gets easier someday. πŸ™‚

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  4. I believe that the Autistic person, has much to teach the ever present ‘neurotypical’ persons. You are far ahead from most, are born with deep understandings, that are often misjudged and misunderstood by a majority of people yet to realise the importance of acceptance and neuro diversity. Our world is changing, people are evolving, such as yourself, Autism is a new way, a wonderful way, the world is right now is just needing to catch up with you. Stay true to yourself, don’t hold onto the misunderstanding of others, they are not yours to own. blessings, carly

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