I have thought about suicide since I was 5 years old. I knew it would hurt people if I ever went through with it, but I didn’t realize until a few nights ago just how devastating it could actually be.
I was having a really bad day. I had been in pain for a few weeks and the pain had been especially difficult for a couple days. I was tired of being in pain and tired of trying to do all that was required of me. I was tired of trying to act like everything was okay when it was really not okay. I just wanted the pain to end. I wanted to be done.
My friend asked me how I was doing. I basically told her that I was not well and that she should leave me alone because I was not pleasant to talk to at that time. She didn’t. She kept talking to me and convinced me to have someone come over to help. She said that if I loved her, I would get help, which I thought was somewhat unfair since I do love her.
There was something in her voice that impacted me to the core though. Both while she was asking me to get help and after when we were talking about how I felt, she had this deep concern in her voice. I could sense that she not only cared about me, but that she ached with me. She was sad and hurt and scared too because she knew that I really wasn’t okay.
And for the first time in my life, I didn’t want to think about suicide. For the first time in my life, it no longer seemed like an option. I have felt loved before, but this was different. This wasn’t just love; it was legitimate concern for my wellbeing. For the first time in my life, I realized how devastating it would be if I actually did end my life.
It’s been a week since then, and the pain really hasn’t gotten better. The pain has actually been worse many times, but it doesn’t seem quite as bad. How could it be that bad when someone loves me that much?
I still think about dying. It’s been such an automatic thing for years that it won’t just go away. But I think about it differently now. I no longer think of it as a good idea. I no longer fantasize about it. Suicide no longer feels like a good idea.
I never thought that how I thought about suicide would change, but I made a promise that as long as someone loved me, I would never even attempt it. I realized that night though why I made that promise. I never wanted someone to worry about me like my friend did that night. I never wanted to break their heart. I am grateful that it feels easier to keep that promise now. I actually want to keep that promise now. It’s a wonderful thing.