Losing my Grip

I haven’t been okay for a while. I feel like I’m drowning. My dreams are disturbing and my waking thoughts are not much better. I lose hold of reality though I try to cling to the things I want to feel real.

I took a couple days off work to try to get back to a semblance of normal. It helped, but I still feel like I’m sliding down a mountainside, trying to find a grip in loose dirt.

I have panicked. I have broken. I have completely freaked out. My brother was telling me something the other day, and I yelled at him and then kept screaming because I just couldn’t stop.

All I keep thinking is that I’m not okay. I’m not okay, and I don’t know when I will ever be okay again.

My family is visiting. I love them, but I can’t handle it. I can’t handle the stress of everyone being here. I have always been the one expected to hold it all together, but now I am falling apart.

I’m trying to cling to a reality that doesn’t feel like it exists. I’m trying to get a grip on life that feels like it’s slipping through my fingers. I’m trying to do anything to be okay again.

Is this normal? It doesn’t feel normal… I feel like something is wrong with me, and I don’t know how to fix it. I just keep hoping for a better tomorrow because I’m doing everything else I can think of to be okay.

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6 thoughts on “Losing my Grip

  1. I’m sorry to read that you have been struggling so hard. I’m wishing you much strength and inner peace. I see by what you write that you have already found some sense of strength within even if it may not always feel like it. Just trying to be better and hoping for better is a sign of strength. ❤

    Like

  2. Hi friend
    We haven’t talked inn a long time. I so glad for stopping by today. I understand the severe depression feelings and thoughts. It sucks. I’m 53 diagnosed at 19, a lot of years trying to hold it together because of other people. I would like to talk with you much more but not for public eyes. Please email me msandorm@verizon.net. I don’t have the answers, maybe talking and vomiting out the anger will help. I’m in the same state of being angry about everything. Even told my best friend to never talk to me again. You are very smart and have jumped over many hurdles. I have faith life will get better, we just never know. Wouldn’t that be nice.
    I think of you often, I’m very ill with Chronic Lyme Disease so a like button is all most get.
    I am a good listener.
    🙂
    Melinda

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks 🙂 Things have been kind of crazy lately and I haven’t even really come on here, but I feel like things are getting somewhat better. I’ve just been zoning out though and not really talking to anyone. So hopefully I can talk again soon.

      Like

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