Questioning

My biggest questions in life are: Am I good? Am I enough? Am I too much?

I feel so disconnected from the world. I know I don’t fit in. I never will. Sometimes I hate it. I hate this not fitting in. I want to so badly. On the one hand, I know I was never meant to fit in, but on the other hand, I wonder how life would be if I was more like other people.

It seems that it all comes down to feeling loved. Over and over again, I just wonder why I have certain thoughts, why I want to do things I do. I wonder if I do too much and it makes people uncomfortable. I think too much. I know I do. It’s hard to rationalize my actions as okay though when I don’t have much to base things on.

How do I know if people appreciate things I do if they don’t do those things? Do people like the way I show love? It’s all so messed up and complicated. I keep hoping one day it’ll make sense but instead it feels that it’s making less and less sense as time goes on.

Can someone love one as different as me? Will I ever know when to stop? Will I ever be free to show myself? I hope so. I really hope so.

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2 thoughts on “Questioning

  1. I know the feeling of not feeling like I fit in. Most of my life I worried about it. I have always thought of myself as fat, which I didn’t think was acceptable to others. A few years ago I finally figured out that for me trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be made me hate myself.

    It has taken a few years, but I usually like how I am. If I want to watch cartoons for a day I do. If I want to read young adult books I do. If I need to take an hour and ride my longboard on a Sunday I do. There is still a balance where I serve others and am not completely selfish, but I make time for myself.

    Being true to myself has made all the difference in my happiness. Me, you and my wife are all people pleasers, which make it difficult to be selfish, but make sure to take time to do things that make you happy.

    Liked by 1 person

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