Mental Hospital

Seven years ago, I spent the night in a mental hospital for attempting to end my life. Honestly, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt lonely and vulnerable and scared. My head hurt from banging it against walls during my attempt. And the nurses and doctors didn’t seem to care. I felt trapped, confined, helpless, and hopeless.I stumbled upon these secrets from others who stayed in mental hospitals. Numbers 6 and 7 describe how I felt. I never wanted to die more than when they told me I couldn’t leave. I had gone voluntarily and they had told me I could leave at will, but then they wouldn’t let me. I felt betrayed, lied to, and imprisoned.

Yet… This past week, I considered admitting myself to a mental hospital again. I have never felt so broken in my life. Depression consumed me to the point where I was struggling to breathe. I felt a heavy burden. I felt so broken that even suicide didn’t seem like an escape.

Yesterday though, it got better. I just felt better. There wasn’t really an explanation why. Maybe it was sleep or people’s prayers or simply something in my brain that clicked, but whatever the reason, I am so grateful for the respite. It feels like such a relief to not feel depressed anymore. The weight has been lifted and I can breathe again.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know if the feelings of depression will return. I don’t know if they will become that bad again. What I do know is that I didn’t give up. And I won’t give up. As long as there is one person still alive, I have a reason to not give up. I can help someone. I can make a difference. I can love. And I do. And I will. And no matter how bad the depression gets, I have hope that things will get better eventually. And I am very grateful that I do not have to do this alone.

You never have to do this alone. ❤

 

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12 thoughts on “Mental Hospital

  1. Just sending you some love and support. The best thing is that you can recognize when you need help and are willing to ask for it. I think the biggest help when depression strikes is knowing that it will pass. It’s hard when you are in the middle of it though. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

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