Showing What Autism Feels Like

I have been watching “The Good Doctor” recently. It is my favorite show I have ever seen because I relate to so much of what the doctor goes through. I have read online that this show has caused a lot of controversy in the autism community. Some people even refuse to watch the show because they feel that someone with autism should play the main character or be more involved in the filmmaking. Another reason people are opposed to the show is that it only shows a narrow view of autism. It shows the experience of “the autistic savant”, which is not how most people with autism experience the disorder.

I understand these concerns, and I understand the desire to have more people’s experiences shown on television and in movies, but I understand it even more after watching this show. The Good Doctor is everything I ever wanted to show people about my autism but never had the ability to communicate. I encourage everyone close to me to watch the show because it so accurately portrays my thoughts and feelings. I look forward to every episode because it shows all of the things that I cannot show and tells them in a way I could never do. I wish that everyone could have this experience. I wish that everyone could refer their friends or family to a particular character, or even episode of a show, and say that is my experience- that is what it feels like to be me.

I have spent my life trying to hide everything about me that could be considered autistic. I have succeeded in this to the point that even therapists did not believe that I had autism. I remember one particular school counselor in high school that told me I had a hard time making friends because of my level of intelligence. She said that I probably did not relate to the other students that had lower IQ levels than me, which was interesting because she did not even believe me when I told her my IQ level and said it was probably 40 points lower than I stated. Anyway, the point is that I am very good at hiding my autism, and my intelligence helps me to do that.

Sometimes, though, I would like people close to me to understand what I go through. Even though I do not like to “be autistic”, I would like my friends and family to see how hard certain things are for me. However, I have trained myself to not show autistic traits, and I cannot force myself to show my feelings, even to the people I trust the most. The only time that you can tell I have autism is when I have a mental breakdown, which makes it too late to explain my feelings and rarely happens around other people.

I understand that not everyone with autism is a savant or a genius or relates to Dr. Shawn Murphy in “The Good Doctor”, but it is important to have shows like this. It is important to show someone’s experience. Even if it may not be the experiences of the majority of people with a disorder, it is a step towards explaining the unexplainable. It is a way for someone to understand the experiences of another. I hope that they make a lot more shows like this. I hope that they make more shows that try to exemplify the experience of a particular group of people. This show has meant so much to me over the past few months. It has been a source of comfort and commiseration. I hope everyone is able to experience that someday.

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Impossible

I had this insight at church today about Luke 1:37. One translation says, “For with God nothing shall be impossible.” I think it is interesting that it says “shall be” because sometimes things are impossible at the moment, but that doesn’t mean they will always be impossible. God can mold and shape us into a new person that can do what was impossible for who we used to be.

I have done things that were once impossible for me, but are now natural and even easy. I asked for help to do these things. I tried over and over, but I had limitations that I could not overcome by myself. But, then, I changed. I became a new person because people saw something in me that I could not see in myself.

We are so often told that God won’t give us more than we can handle or that all things are possible with God, but the process is not explained very often. God makes us so that we can handle things. Sometimes that is through trials, but I think most often it is through other people. People teach us, change us, and stretch us to become more than we once were. And sometimes it is not a good experience. Sometimes it is difficult, painful, and heartbreaking experiences with people that force us to become better.

I think in the end though, we can find reasons to be grateful for all the growth experiences, even the unpleasant ones. The key is allowing yourself to be changed, so that the impossible can become possible.

You Can Only Handle So Much

I have been struggling lately. I have a hard time regulating my emotions and finding positive outlets for them. It is probably because I am working two jobs. The interesting thing is that working two jobs does not feel hard most of the time. The jobs themselves are fairly enjoyable, and I rarely feel overwhelmed at work. The only part of working that has been overwhelming is scheduling the jobs around each other. It is hard to make sure you get everything done when you don’t have enough hours in the day to do everything.

The real struggle though is everything else. Having autism means that everything is bombarding my senses all the time. I am extremely protective of the autistic side of me. I have developed a long fuse or way to hide my autism despite it wanting to come out in difficult situations. The same thing is true for my depression. I prevent these parts of me from coming out just anywhere because I know most people do not understand and that could potentially be very dangerous for me.

Working two jobs has forced me to take care of myself in ways I have not done before because I do not want the vulnerable parts of me to come out at times when I am working. However, self care can only go so far. I still work two jobs and have depression and autism, so I tend to get to the end of what I can handle when I get home. This means that I have been having more meltdowns and breakdowns and more thoughts of suicide and self harm.

This is especially true at times when my body needs something. I find myself to be overly aggressive when I feel hungry. I have broken things or yelled at people or thrown items when my stomach feels even slightly empty. I have also struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts and feelings of desperation and loneliness when I am tired. It is interesting to me how completely hopeless I can feel at night, but it all seems to dissipate when I wake up in the morning. How can I go from the brink of suicide to feeling mostly at peace in just a few hours?

The best explanation is that I am not truly suicidal. I love my life. I do not want to die. But my body is unable to handle life and simply wants the pain to stop. I remember times when I was truly suicidal. I was convinced that I was a burden. I felt that the world would be a better place without me. I felt sure that my family and friends would be better off without me. That is no longer the case. I don’t feel like anything would be better off without me. I just want the pain inside me to get better. I want to stop hurting so much.

Of course, there are lots of ways to help your body handle more. Eating, sleeping, hugs and other physical touch that helps you feel loved, spending time doing something you enjoy or being with someone that relaxes you, and anything else that helps you feel better mentally, physically, or emotionally allows you to be able to handle more of life. I have learned from spending my life trying to hide my autism and depression, etc. that you can force yourself through almost any situation if you use the right resources to help your body cope.

So, I guess the point of this post is to remind myself and others to find ways to cope. Find things that relax you, that help you feel loved and wanted and needed, or that meet a physical need. By finding and doing things that help your body feel better, you allow your body and mind to be able to handle more difficult situations. You allow yourself to be able to get through things you could not handle before. And you might be surprised at the difference it makes it your mental and emotional state.

Feeling Different

Every once in a while things really get to me. I feel different, flawed, unlovable. I am usually not sure what starts it, but it is hard to pull myself out of that mindset.

I was spending time with my best friend last night and kept breaking down because I felt alienated from the world. I feel like I don’t fit in and don’t belong. I love being with my friend though. She is one of the few people that helps me feel whole and always makes me feel like I belong in some way. I am so grateful for that. My friend continually assures me that she enjoys being friends with me and loves the things that make me different.

But it is hard to feel like I belong when I have never met anyone like me. I know that no two people are alike, but I mean more that my personality seems like a stark contrast to those around me. It probably doesn’t make sense, but one of the things I struggle with the most is feeling like I love people too much. I constantly think of others. I see them in everything. Sights, sounds, smells, tastes, textures, almost everything reminds me of a memory with someone. I buy presents and other things for people all year long because I see things that remind me of them or that I feel they would enjoy.

Maybe that is what brought on these thoughts. With the holiday season, I questioned my sanity. Was it wise to travel long distances to see others for a short time? Was I ridiculous for having too many gifts for family and friends? Did I do more than a reasonable person would do in similar circumstances?

I normally love Christmas. It is one of the few times a year that I feel like I fit in. People do more of the things I tend to do on a regular basis. But this year, Christmas felt like a lie. People are not giving and loving and helpful all year round. Drivers are selfish. Most people do not constantly think of others at the grocery store or during other daily routines. How can we sing these songs of keeping Christmas in our hearts when most people don’t?

I regularly do things for others that most people would not do. I have travelled all day to be with a friend for a few minutes. I have gone above and beyond to help a friend in need. I have sacrificed my own comforts to help someone else feel better. And the thing is, I know all of these things are good, but I feel so flawed for doing them.

This has made me feel like I do not belong in this world. I feel misunderstood. I feel like the world swirls around me while I crave to be connected to it. Is there a place for me? Is there somewhere I can belong? Is there someone who will see me as all that I am and love me anyway?

I want to believe that I am needed here, that I have a place in this world. I want to feel like I belong, even though this world doesn’t feel like home. Was I put here for a reason? Is there a reason I don’t feel like anyone else understands? Do my differences benefit others in positive ways? And most of all, can I ever belong in a world where I was born to stand out?

No One Cares

I started another job this week and was asked to send a picture of myself for a badge. As I was looking through pictures, trying to find the perfect one, I had the realization that no one really cares what you look like. I mean, more people might pay attention to you if you look a certain way, but the people that matter, the ones that care about you, don’t care if your hair is frizzy or your smile isn’t perfect or you have gained some weight. I noticed that the pictures where I didn’t care what my hair looked like and wasn’t worried about the camera were the happiest ones. Those pictures where I am playing with my niece or hanging out with my best friends or spending time with my family come with the best memories.

We focus so much on being perfect- fixing our hair, losing weight, trying to fake the smile. In the end though, our friends don’t care. Our family still loves us and wants to spend time with us. And although it is good to look presentable and it can feel good to dress up at times, I think it is just as important to enjoy the moment without worrying about anything else. Don’t pass up the party because you can’t decide what to wear. Don’t stay home away from your friends because you feel like you have too many problems. Don’t let life pass you by because you feel overwhelmed by its demands for perfection. It’s not worth being perfect if it keeps you from being happy.

Santa

I don’t really like Santa. I mean, I have nothing against the guy. Anyone who spreads hope and joy and love is definitely someone to be admired. I just don’t personally care for the big guy. I do not remember writing letters to him while growing up or wanting to sit in his lap. I am also not very good at coming up with things I want as gifts, so Santa seems rather pointless when you don’t really want anything.

Anyway, we had a party last night at my church. There was good food and gifts and Santa. The party was for young single adults, so it was pretty cool to have Santa there because people could feel like children again by sitting on his lap. But I had no desire to go see Santa. And it wasn’t that I don’t really like pictures, I just feel no connection to him. And maybe it is because I never really did things most children do. I never liked patty cake, and I had no desire to participate in tetherball or hopscotch or so many other games that my fellow students enjoyed.

I guess I’m just posting this because I wonder if anyone else feels the same way. It’s not that I grew out of Santa, I guess I just never grew into him. Is that an autism (Asperger’s) thing or just a personality thing? I mean, I love Christmas and Christmastime and giving and nativities and so many other things that have to do with Christmas. I just don’t really care for the Santa part of Christmas. And I know I can probably be described as “a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone” like Scrooge from A Christmas Carol, but I try to harbor good feelings at Christmastime and give what I can. Do I have to like Santa to not be a Scrooge?

Medicine

I’m one of those people that hates medicine. I have a hard time even committing to taking chewable vitamins. But now that I have seen the difference medication can make for depression, I cannot deny the power of medicine. Sometimes, it simply works wonders.

I stopped taking my medicine towards the beginning of the year because I lost health insurance due to not making enough money. Go figure… After a few months, I realized how desperately I needed it and got back on for a while. When the prescription had to be refilled, I forgot how bad it had gotten so I tried to go without it again. I’ve made it over 6 months without my depression medication, but lately it has been really hard. Every night is like fighting for my life. I’m struggling to breathe again. I find myself sliding into the darkness, and there is nothing to grip to save me from falling.

I know I’ve survived worse than this, but now that I know what it’s like to feel normal. I don’t want to be depressed again. It’s time to get back on medication, and this time, for good.