Nightmares

Do you ever have a dream where you are your own worst nightmare?

I had a dream where I got stuck in an elevator. For some reason, I had a stroller in the dream. I had just gotten off a plane and taken the shuttle to the main area. I had to take an elevator because of the stroller. The elevator was packed with people and strollers and children. For some reason, I was going to the 4th floor, while everyone else was going to higher floors. When the elevator stopped on the fourth floor, I became anxious about how to get everything out with me. I knew I had to get my bag and the stroller, so I thought I would throw my bag out of the elevator and then turn around to get the stroller.

Unfortunately, the elevator sensor registered the bag I threw out and proceeded to close. I panicked that the elevator was moving and pressed the stop button. I then bypassed the safety system and opened the elevator door to find I was no longer at the door where I needed to exit. The other passengers were angry with me. They called me stupid for thinking I could stop the elevator and get out. They wanted me to close the door and get the elevator moving again. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that easy to put everything back and fix the elevator by myself. We were stuck while I tried to fix my mistake and call maintenance for help. When the elevator did get moving again, I was questioned by security and my bag and stroller were searched for bombs. After deciding I was not a terrorist, security let me go to find the contents of my bag dumped out from their search.

Anyway, the point of this story is that I do not feel ready for the next stage of my life. I know most people do not see me as autistic. My family and friends feel I am ready for the next step in life, to start dating and get married and have children. I am not so sure that I am ready. I worry that I will not be able to handle the added stress and pressure.

I do want children and a partner someday, but I also question if I will ever be ready for that. Can I handle doing multiple things at a time like moms have to do? I have heard others say that people with autism cannot handle a lot going on. I can handle a lot going on, but only if it is structured. When things lose their structure, it is difficult to handle all the changes. Will I be able to handle the difficulties of motherhood and the constant changes and interruptions that come with it? Or will I find myself in a constant state of being overwhelmed and unable to care for myself, much less a child?

Something Good- Day 338-341

I returned home on Thursday. My sister had a chiropractor appointment, and then I went to donate plasma. We went to bed early since we were tired from traveling. Friday, my sister surprised me by cleaning my room while I was at work. Then, we had a friend come over for dinner and watched a movie. We have spent many nights over the last week looking at Christmas lights. Saturday was a busy day of getting things done, but we did get see some Christmas lights along the way. Today, we watched church from home and then saw a Christmas concert and movie. We also built a couple puzzles.

Here’s some of the coolest lights we have seen recently, including the Draper Tree of Life. And my clean room!

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Something Good- Day 250-254

Sunday was a relaxed day. We watched a video about several inspiring Christian stories. I spent most of the day lying on the couch because I still did not feel well.

I felt a bit better on Monday and tried pulling weeds and taking care of the lawn. Unfortunately, I did not have the energy to mow, but I did get the big weeds out of the lawn. Then, we watched movies and went grocery shopping.

Tuesday was a very busy day at work. Luckily, I was able to fix our server early in the day or it would have been even worse. I came home exhausted. We watched a show and then went to bed.

Yesterday was a better day. My nieces came upstairs for a bit to have dinner with us. Then, we went to my friend’s house. We took a walk with her and her son and caught up on each other’s life.

Today, we had a small birthday party for my oldest niece. We went to the store with her to pick out a cake. After dinner, we had the cake and ice cream. Then we took pictures with decorations my sister had set up while I was at work. It was a fun afternoon, and we enjoyed the time with our nieces.

Something Good- Day 169

Today was a rough day. I was pulled over by a police officer for not stopping at a stop sign. I had stopped, but there is a curve in the road and walls on each side, which prevented the officer from seeing me stop. I do not know what to do when I get stopped by a police officer. I panic and get defensive because I did nothing wrong. This is my third time being stopped by an officer, and my panic reflex has gotten worse each time. It especially makes me anxious because I feel like I have no control over it. I obey all traffic laws as well as I can, but that does not mean I am safe from an officer trying to make a point.

Anyway, the officer gave me a warning, which I still resented because I knew I had stopped. As I drove away though, I was overcome with feelings of anger and resentment and hurt. I wanted to call my best friend or my sister or other family member, to help calm me down and get to a state where I could go to work okay. Instead, I drove to work and blasted my music. My body tensed to the point where my hands couldn’t move the way they should. I thought about pulling over and calling my boss, but I relaxed just enough to drive safely to work.

My body was aching from tensing up so much, and I was in a bad mood. My coworkers could tell right away that I was upset. After working for a while, I finally calmed down enough to do my job. I did snap at one of my coworkers at the end of the night though, and my boss asked me what was going on. I told her about getting pulled over and my bad experiences with police officers and wanting to call out sick. It brought back up some of the feelings, but I mostly held it together.

Anyway, in the midst of all this, I finally was approved for my house refinance. I have been waiting for this for weeks and working on refinancing for months. I am grateful for the terms I was given though and the way this all worked out.

Another thing that made me smile today was talking with a lady who took her dog outside to do his business. She had a crutch, so I stopped to ask if she needed help with walking her dog. She thanked me for my kindness and said I was sweet to offer. She introduced herself, and we talked for a minute before I drove off. It felt good to connect with someone for a minute or two.

Something Good- Day 138 & 139

I have been helping my sister start a blog for a religious project. She is editing Jesus into photos to show how He is present in all aspects of our lives. She published her first few posts and has been excited all day to see how many views she is getting and from what countries. You can check out her blog here.

I also had the opportunity to check out a comic someone shared with me about a superhero with autism. It seems like a cool concept, and I would encourage you to check it out here.

Something Good- Day 125 & 126

I went to the dollar store yesterday to get some necessities. I am always surprised by what I find there. I came out with the couple things I needed and two more bags of snacks and other fun items. I was also able to talk to my friend and her son last night.

Today my sister and I went to visit some friends because they had to put their cat down. We talked for a while and then went with them to get shakes and fries. It was nice to spend time with friends again and help get their mind off the situation for a while.

Something Good- Day 79

I went back to work today. It was actually a really good day. It felt mostly normal, which was amazing. Everything was back to the normal routine, with the adjustments made on Tuesday. I was grateful everything turned out well.

Something Good- Day 78

I slept in this morning until around noon. My sister brought me breakfast in bed. Then, we worked on the Airbnb and went grocery shopping. This afternoon, I signed a lease agreement for short term rental of my basement. It was good to know that we will still have income next month even with everything going on right now. I am still unsure of what the summer will bring, but I have hope that everything will work out. Today feels much more calm and hopeful than yesterday. I am grateful I took the day off so that I can return in better spirits tomorrow.

Something Good- Day 77

Sometimes I forget I have autism, especially at work. I work at a bank, and things are usually the same every day. I help customers with their transactions. We have a weekly schedule. The opening and closing routines are always the same. Even though I think I do well with changes, the structure helps me remain calm when changes do come.

Things were different when I went into work yesterday. The opening routines were the same, but everything changed after that. The lobby was closed. We could only help people in the drive-through. I could handle that, but then more changes came. Our cash machine was not working, and they asked us to wear gloves the whole shift. I started to feel anxious. The longer I wore the gloves, the more anxious I became. And customers kept coming, so I did not have time to process all the changes and adjust to them.

After an hour, I took an early lunch to get away from everything. I broke down in the break room and could not stop crying. My boss came to check on me after a few minutes. She said they would work something out with the gloves and that I could go home for the day if I wanted. I decided to go home because I was emotionally exhausted. I took a nap almost as soon as I got home.

After the nap, I called the branch manager to discuss my needs. She told me that I could take an additional day off if I needed. I felt fine at the time but said I would let her know. As the afternoon progressed, I felt tightness in my chest and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I told my manager I would take another day off and return on Thursday.

It is not fun to have a meltdown at work and not be able to explain why to your boss and coworkers. But I am grateful for their support through it.  I only realized after this experience that I did not like the new girl because she did not fit in my routines. She did not do things the way I wanted, and it frustrated me. I know I owe her an apology, and I need to express my appreciation to all of my coworkers.

Anyway, my something good for yesterday was being able to talk to my sister to help me calm down. Then coming home and finding some peace in the chaos. I am hoping the extra time to process everything will help me return to work tomorrow better equipped to handle this whole situation. People need banks to stay open during this time as much as possible, so I am glad we are staying open for now.

Something Good- Day 42

Sometimes all you need is a good conversation with a friend or family member to help your day turn out well. I got to talk to my older sister and one of my friends today, which was really nice since I do not get the chance to talk to them very often.