You Are Never Ready For Grief

Before my nephew died, I felt like I was the person I wanted to be. You know those things you tell yourself, like I don’t know how people don’t get road rage or how do people not get upset when something bad happens. I was at that point in my life where I saw past the now and let things go. And I saw people, really saw them. I was a terrible anonymous giver because everyone knew it was me. And for once in my life, I didn’t feel like I had to be anonymous. I was just confident and content with who I was.

But nothing can prepare you for grief. When it first happened, grief was so full that it was constant emotions bubbling out of me. At that time, I would say that grief was love with nowhere to go. Then came the pain. It was just so hard to not think of what I could have done differently. Despair and sorrow took hold, and I felt lost. That’s when I went numb. I just wanted to forget about everything. I wanted to not feel so much. I wanted to disappear, and I did for the most part. I went to a different place, where no one knew me as the giver. I didn’t feel like reaching out or being known.

It still feels like uncharted territory. I am slowly letting myself feel more even though it is hard. I feel like I have tried to drown my grief with stuff. I have tried to hide from it through work. I have tried to run from it through busyness. I have tried to forget about it through fun. The only thing I haven’t done is try to embrace it through vulnerability. That is what I used to do with depression. I used to write about it and talk about it because as long as I was letting someone else know, I would not be alone if I failed.

Grief is a whole other world. Sometimes it hits you out of nowhere, and you cannot remember what it felt like to be whole. Sometimes you find yourself shaking in sobs without anything to set it off. I think though, that at some point, you have to let yourself feel it because it will never get better if you don’t. The reason I am writing this post is because I did feel it tonight, and even though no one reading this is around, sometimes it just helps to not feel it alone.

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I took my nieces and nephews to a couple pumpkin patches today. They had a lot of fun going down slides, playing in corn pits, riding on wagons, and petting animals. We picked out a large pumpkin and stopped at the store to buy juice to drink. It was a fun day, and most of the children had fallen asleep by the time we returned home.

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Today was a good day at work. We had the manager from another branch come to help us since both our managers are quarantined. After work, we had dinner and my dad helped us rearrange furniture to prepare for our coming renters. It was extremely helpful to have another set of hands because it would be very hard for my sister and I to do it alone.

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I am unsure what tomorrow will bring. My manager is being tested for Covid, and with cases consistently rising in this area, it is uncertain if work will continue like normal.

On a happier note, my dad came to visit today. This is the first time he has seen my house since I bought it just over two years ago. We always bond over games, and he enjoyed perusing my game collection. We also played a game he had given me for my birthday that I had not yet been able to play.

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I went to the park on Friday with a friend. We talked and played games. It was fun to spend time with her and her cute little family.

Yesterday I went to Logan for my niece’s baptism. It was a beautiful ceremony, and she was so happy. Afterwards, my brother took me to dinner with his family. It was a long drive home, but it was so good to see everyone.

I slept so much today. I was exhausted from my trip this weekend and my sister’s cat has been waking me up during the night, which makes it difficult to get enough sleep. My friend was worried about me because my sister could not get in contact with me, so she came to check on me. I was grateful for their concern and glad to wake up for some dinner before heading back to bed.

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It has been a while since I posted. Friday we fixed up my lawn. We pulled weeds and mowed and switched out a sprinkler. Then we went to a friend’s house for cake and fireworks.

We left early Saturday morning to go to my brother’s house. We got there in time for lunch and were able to spend time with the kids. We went to bed late after a busy day with the family.

Sunday we had a video call with my sister’s family and then did a mini church meeting. We headed home after dinner and then went straight to bed.

Work was exhausting today, but we went to the grocery store afterwards. My sister committed to making healthier meal choices, so we stocked up on fruits and vegetables. Then we had sandwiches and wraps fpr dinner.

Overall, it has been a busy but good week.

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We arrived home late last night from our trip. Before we left though, we were able to visit our nephew’s grave and leave some flowers. I love being able to remember him and keep him in our hearts.

My sister had class tonight, so I decided to go outside to pull weeds. She joined me after class and we ended up trimming our trees and cleaning up dead foliage. It felt good to get so much work done and it looked great afterwards!

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We have been visiting family for the last few days. We plan to return home tomorrow. This has been such a wonderful time though. My nephew hugged me and did not want to let go. I have been able to hold my baby niece. I know that the world is still not back to normal and that we really do need to be careful, but it is nice to live in a place where things are calmer. It is nice to know that our small towns can slowly return to normal. I feel for the people that live in highly populated areas where the threat of illness is much more prevalent. I know that this trip will necessitate being more careful in the next few weeks, but I am so glad I have finally been able to see family again.

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I have been helping my sister start a blog for a religious project. She is editing Jesus into photos to show how He is present in all aspects of our lives. She published her first few posts and has been excited all day to see how many views she is getting and from what countries. You can check out her blog here.

I also had the opportunity to check out a comic someone shared with me about a superhero with autism. It seems like a cool concept, and I would encourage you to check it out here.

Finding Hope

Grief is one of the hardest things I have ever had to experience. There are so many dimensions to grief. Sometimes it will come out of nowhere and swallow you whole. Other times it is just on the surface and the smallest reminder will make it come out in suffocating waves.

I have contemplated suicide for as long as I can remember. I am not sure why I am this way, but I have found a medication that helps me. For some reason, my brain just doesn’t work the way it should on its own.

Anyway, I have been reading a book about finding hope after suicide. My sister bought it for a friend, and I decided to read it first to see if it would be appropriate to give someone else. It brings up so many emotions in me, both because of the grief I am still trying to navigate and because of my own thoughts and experiences with suicide.

Right now the book is talking about healing. The author said that when she was a child, she felt like she had to bury her feelings to be strong. Her therapist challenged her to start sharing her feelings in order to heal from the traumatic experiences of her childhood.

A few years ago, I talked about abuse I faced as a child that I had never told anyone. I wrote about it on this blog and told the person I trusted most at the time, someone who was quickly becoming my best friend. It was hard to share something so personal. My parents were shocked by my experiences. And it caused some ripples in the next few family gatherings with accusations about why it was allowed to happen. I did not blame my parents for what happened, especially because I was too ashamed to tell them. But it was healing to finally tell a secret that I had been hiding for years.

As this book talks about sharing the story of her mother’s death, I feel emotions that I have not felt in a long time. I wonder if I still have hidden demons that need to be uncovered to fully heal. I wonder if I need to talk more about my nephew’s death to cope with the grief that surrounds me. I wonder if I need to reveal more of my deepest secrets to fully recover from all the wounds I hold within me.

I have discovered over the last few years that healing is not easy, but allowing ourselves to be vulnerable can make us into much better humans than we thought possible. Healing allows hope, and hope can lead to love, and love can mean finding happiness even if the midst of painful experiences.

A few years ago, I felt like I was finally the person I always wanted to be. I was able to help people without feeling guilty or unworthy. I was patient and forgiving when others made mistakes. I could stand strong in difficult circumstances because I knew where I stood. That all disappeared when my nephew died and I moved to run away from the memories. I shut myself off from the world again because some things were just too painful to talk about.

I think that now is the time to heal again. Now is the time to talk about hard things and learn to hope again. I can find hope in my difficult experiences by sharing the things that have hurt me and allowing myself to trust in ways I have forgotten.