A New Year

I did not have a good year in 2019. I was angry and upset and disappointed and frustrated with life and people and God. I still don’t understand, and I still have a lot of grief and anger and conflict to resolve. But I decided to stay up last night to welcome in the new year because I want it to be better. I want to make some changes, and I want to be happier.

I have been through a lot of changes in the last 10 years. I have gone from getting off antidepressants because I felt like they did nothing to taking an antidepressant that made me more depressed than I had ever been before to finding one that actually helps and prevents me from having constant suicidal thoughts. I have been through all the range of emotions from the happiest I have ever been to the saddest I have ever been. I have felt more loved than ever before and have been overcome by my emotions several times. I forgave people I never thought I could. I got to the point where I didn’t get angry or yell when my brother accidentally scraped the side of my new car. I made significant changes to my life and became the person I wanted to be.

Then, I spiraled down into grief and depression and physical pain like I had never known before. And it was hard, and I was hurt and angry. And it eventually got to the point where my reservoirs of faith and hope and joy were depleted, and I was not sure where to turn or if I believed in anything anymore. And I am still at that point in a lot of ways.

But… It is a new year. I watched a video this morning where Kristina Kuzmic challenged people to write down a specific good thing that happens every day. She said it changed her life and helped her find the positives even in days that were terrible. I need that in my life. I need more positives. So, for the next year this blog will be turning into a space for me to put down something positive from every day because I need it, and maybe it will help someone else along the way, too.

Little Choices

Every day you make a million little choices. You choose to get out of bed. You choose to get dressed for the day. You choose to go to work or school or take care of children or relax or run errands. Each choice leads you to more choices or less choices. Once you choose to go to work, you choose how to get there; you choose your attitude on the way to work and at work; you choose how productive you will be; you choose whether or not to talk to coworkers; you choose when you will leave work and a thousand other choices.

Sometimes it feels like we don’t have a choice in things because life demands or expects certain things from us, but the truth is that we choose whether or not to cooperate. What I find interesting is that often times, the more we cooperate with life, the more choices we have. Choosing to get up rather than stay in bed leads to a wider range of choices on how to spend your time. Choosing to go out of the house for work or errands or school or something else usually gives us more choices about ourselves and our day.┬áThe biggest thing I have realized about choices though is that each little choice adds up to bigger choices, and all the little choices and big choices come together to make you who you are.

I made a choice a few years ago to make good choices. I decided that I would choose to act on any and all good thoughts I had. That simple choice led to many little choices, which led to some bigger choices, all of which came together to make me who I am today. I wrote in my journal the other day that I feel at peace with the world. I feel like I have done good things and led a good life. If I knew I was going to die today, I would have no regrets. I don’t think I could say that if I had not made that decision a few years ago to do good things.

We often tell ourselves that our little choices do not matter. We convince ourselves that it is just one day or one night or one person, so how much of a difference can it really make? I have learned by experience that one choice, one day, one night, one person can change everything. This may seem disheartening if you are thinking about a choice you made that led you down a path you did not want or if someone else’s choice forced you into a path you did not choose. But this post is not about the past. It is about the future. I am not saying to look back at your choices to determine how you got here. I am saying to look forward to what choices you can make to get you to where you want to be. You always have the choice to change. No matter how difficult or hopeless or painful your situation is right now, you have the choice to determine how you will react to it.

Choose today who you want to become and then make the choice to become that person. It won’t be easy. You will have to make difficult and sometimes painful choices. But if you are working towards who you want to be, it will all be worth it.

My Open Box

I feel like I live in a pretty protected community. That’s not a bad thing. Everyone is really nice and they are willing to help out when needed or asked. Sometimes though, I just feel somewhat out of place. I feel like everyone has their lives wrapped up in nice little boxes, not fancy or anything- I don’t feel like people around me are self centered or pompous. I just feel like most people around me are the stacked up boxes ready to be shipped out of the UPS store. They are “finished” and sealed up and ready to be delivered.

I feel like an open box. I don’t feel like a broken box or a messy box, just an open box. I feel unfinished. In a world where everyone seems to present the completed parts of themselves, I feel like I am somehow behind or missing something. Parts of me are being taken out and rearranged and put back in. Some things are taken out and replaced with better things. It’s just a constant process. I am in a constant process of change and growth. And I don’t see my box being closed up and ready to be sealed anytime soon.

Looking around though, I feel like maybe I am missing something? Maybe I am behind and still need to catch up to everyone else? Is everyone else really done, just with the possibility of being decorated a bit before they’re presented in their best state of being?

I have always been a little behind developmentally. I feel like I went through my teenage years in college, my single years didn’t really start until many years after I turned 18, and I am still working on the whole dating life and getting ready for marriage even though I feel like I should be ready to do those things by now. Is that all this is though? Is it just that I need to catch up to everyone else? Or is it that I haven’t figured out what I need in my box yet?

I guess my question really is when or if my box will ever be closed. Will I ever be done like so many others around me seem to be? Or am I just an open box sort of person, constantly trying to switch out my contents for the next stage in my life?

I know a few other people that are like open boxes. I see them growing and changing and rearranging themselves. I connect with these people. I understand them because that’s how I am. I just sometimes want to be a closed box. I want to be finished, presented in a nice little package for my next stage of life.

I get that we’re never quite “done”. We keep learning and growing and becoming better. I just feel like most of the people around me grow and then get to a comfortable spot and stay there for a while until something new comes along, then grow again and get to a new state of consistency and do it over and over again. And I just wonder if I am missing that consistency or if it is just that I will constantly be different from everyone else. Am I missing out? Or is this just another way of living?

Grateful for Change

I am not who I was a year ago, or 6 months ago, or even a week ago. I keep changing and growing and becoming better. I have been amazed at how much I have changed in the last year. I look back at things I wrote a few years ago and shake my head at my whining and self centered behavior.

I am so grateful that we don’t stay the same. I am grateful that I haven’t stayed the same. I look pretty much the same way as I did in high school, but I am a completely different person on the inside. I am kinder, more understanding, more forgiving, and just in general, better and wiser than I used to be. I am grateful for that change and for the opportunity I have to change continuously. I don’t know what I would do or who I would be if I wasn’t constantly changing and becoming a better person every day.