Vulnerable

There are certain things people never talk about. And if they do talk about them, it is generally only with the closest of friends in sincere moments of quiet understanding, or with relative strangers because we’re afraid of losing friends by being honest.

That’s why it is so hard to have a blog linked to my personal accounts where friends and family members of all types of relationships can see what I post. It is like putting a mirror in the middle of the road with a sign that says “please don’t break me.” Every time I post something about autism or depression or suicide, I pray that I won’t be broken. I hope that people will understand. I hope that it won’t make people afraid of being themselves around me or nervous to talk to me or resentful of how I feel or think about things.

Every post is a risk. Every post means allowing myself to be seen as human, and let’s face it, we don’t like being human. Being human is vulnerable. Humans get hurt. They die and suffer and make mistakes. We would much rather feel invincible. And it is easy to feel invincible in this world. We can hide behind our electronic devices, not feel the elements by staying in our houses or cars or offices, and social media is almost designed to make us seem invincible by posting only the moments we want to glory in. It is easy to feel invincible when there are metal, plastic, tangible machines always between us and the rest of the world.

However, most of us know to some extent that we are not invincible. Here is where the gap lies. We have an image of invincibility that we put out to the rest of the world, while silently guarding the vulnerable person that we see inside ourselves.

I don’t want to be like that. As hard as it is to be vulnerable, I don’t want to hide behind walls I myself create. I want to be me always so that no one is surprised when I do something human.

It is hard though. Even though I know why I do this and I wouldn’t want to go back to hiding, it is hard to continue to be vulnerable. What keeps me going though are the messages I get that say, “I connect with what you’re going through.” The times when people tell me they understand or relate to a post. And it reminds me that I have to keep doing this because being vulnerable is the only way out of being scared. It may be hard, but if it helps one person it is worth it. And I know it always helps at least one person, me.

Why I Blog

When you talk so openly about life, it’s hard not to get anxiety every time someone new can see what you post. I debate almost every time on whether or not I should hide things from certain people, but then I remind myself why I’m doing this… because someone needs to.

People don’t talk about problems that they don’t think other people will understand. And so, people continue to not understand because no one talks about it.

Talking so openly about autism and depression and suicide and other important issues goes against human nature. We naturally want people to like us and understand us, and we don’t want to stand out or seem different. If you’re different, it’s harder to make friends. So we all try to be the same, but we are different and the differences are usually what makes the friendships interesting.

Once you get past a certain level of being different though, it’s like a completely different world. I am at that level. And because I am so different, I blog about those differences. By talking about my differences, I feel like I have been able to see that we are more alike than we think we are. So I continue blogging because one day I won’t feel as different as I do now and that will make it all worth it in the end.

Blog Update

A few weeks ago I posted that I would possibly be changing the direction or name of this blog at some point in the future. If you’re interested in that post, you can read it here.

I have been thinking a lot about how I want to change this blog and what its new direction will be. And I have decided that I will keep the name for now, but that I won’t necessarily always post about autism. I’m just going to make posts about my thoughts and feelings and experiences and then let people decide on their own whether it’s relevant to autism or life in general or just me.

I don’t want to try and figure out what parts of me are autistic and what parts aren’t anymore. I’m not a fraction of a person or a person compartmentalized into little convenient sections. I’m a whole person and wholly autistic and wholly normal and wholly myself. So I’ve decided that this blog no longer needs to only be a part of me, but can become the whole me. I will definitely still be discussing things that make me different because of autism, but I’ll also be posting things that have nothing to do with autism.

I hope that you continue to read my blog and enjoy my posts and I hope that with this new direction more people will relate to my posts and find common interests.

Thank you for your continued support. I am always grateful for your comments and encouragement and that you take the time to read what I have to say. Thank you for all you do.

Changing Autismthoughts

I have come to the point where this blog as it is at the moment doesn’t make sense anymore. The title autismthoughts was meant to reflect thoughts I had about autism and because of autism, and to explain how people with autism might think. I’ve come to the point now though where I don’t think I have autism thoughts. I just have regular thoughts. Yes, I have autism, but does that mean that all my thoughts are autistic?

Having autism is a part of me, like being a Christian or being an aunt is a part of me. It doesn’t change me and yet it changes everything about me. I am not a different person because of the autism label, but autism has been a part of my life that has definitely contributed to who I am today. I am who I am because of autism, but I am not an autistic person or even a person with autism. I am just a person. I am a human being who just happens to be diagnosed with autism.

The thing is, when I started this blog, I needed to be autistic. I needed to explore autism and explore autism within me and try to figure out that part of me that I never really had a chance to get to know before. But now, I don’t have that need anymore. I know who I am and I understand autism within myself to a point that I am satisfied to just be me. I don’t have to have autism thoughts. I can just have thoughts.

So… I may be changing the name of this blog and the direction of it in the next few weeks. If you have any input on the name change or what you would like to see in posts, I’d be happy to receive any feedback from you.

As always, thanks for reading! 🙂

Want me to check out your blog?

I normally wouldn’t do this, but I’ve been super busy lately and so I’m taking the easy way out (Or maybe the harder way; we’ll find out…)

I was nominated for a One Lovely blog award a while ago and I haven’t had a chance to delve into the blogs I follow for some awesome blogs to nominate in return. So, I’m giving you the opportunity to put yourself out there for me to check out your blog and see if you’re the nomination I’m looking for. Just put your blog link in the comments.

And thanks for following! 🙂

Inspiring Blogger Award

Awarded on 22nd Aug, 2014

I was nominated for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award by ambient_memory here.

Here are the rules:

  • The nominee shall display the Very Inspiring Blogger Award logo on her/his blog, and link to the blog they got nominated from.
  • The nominee shall nominate fifteen (15) bloggers she/he admires, by linking to their blogs and informing them about it.

Here are my nominees:

Third Eye View- http://photographsandsnaps.com/

Soaring Strands- http://udesilva.com/

My puzzling piece- http://mypuzzlingpiece.com/

Not the Former Things- http://nottheformerthings.com/

By Lauren Hayley- http://bylaurenhayley.wordpress.com/

Joy no matter what- http://deannenelson.wordpress.com/

Tracie Carlos- http://traciecarlos.wordpress.com/

Autisticality- http://autisticality.wordpress.com/

Invisible Autistic- http://invisibleautistic.wordpress.com/

Emelie’s Voice- http://emeliesvoice.wordpress.com/

The Candid Pickle- http://thecandidpickle.wordpress.com/

All our Lemmony Things- http://lemmonythings.com/

Coffee with a Shot of Faith- http://coffeewithashotoffaith.wordpress.com/

Love Life Walk- http://lovelifesg2013.wordpress.com/

Humble Heart Scribbles- http://humbleheartscribbles.wordpress.com/

I tried to nominate people that I’ve been following for a while and that didn’t already have a nomination and that could be categorized as inspiring. So I’m hoping that I got all the people I wanted to on here. (And yes, most of them are about autism. That’s what I’ve been focusing on learning for a while so that’s what I’ve been reading.)

You guys are great!

Thanks for reading! 🙂

An Award

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I feel about WordPress awards and whether or not I would accept them/ do them. Well, the deciding point has come. I was nominated for a Very Inspiring Blogger award by ambient_memory.

Although I am grateful for the thought, accepting this award is a difficult thing for me.  I like the fact that these awards allow you to get to know other bloggers and do some networking in the community, but they can also be very stressful.

I consider myself to be a fairly new blogger. I have only gotten serious about blogging in the past couple of months. So I’m still getting to know fellow bloggers, which means I’m not really comfortable with socializing with them yet.

What am I getting at?

Well… if you haven’t guessed by my blog name, I have autism. Which means that some parts of communication are difficult for me. And for me, that includes online communication. I have always had a hard time starting a conversation with people and nominating someone for an award is a pretty blunt and straightforward way of starting a conversation.

Possibly the hardest part of this is that I feel like this blog is me. If one of my other blogs had been nominated, it would be relatively easy to choose other people to nominate since those blogs are simply impressions I have had. This blog though is me online. So for the people I meet through this blog, this is essentially who I am to them and as such any socializing I do through this blog is me talking to other people.

So I have decided to accept the award, but it may take me a little while to find the 15 people I would like to nominate in return.

Me

Although this blog is mostly about my experiences with autism, I decided to take a break from autism this week and talk about something else. The death of one of my favorite people to ever live has prompted me to make myself seem a little more human. There’s so much more to us than what the world sees and I think it’s important to share as much of myself as possible. This blog is to help people understand me and those that may share similar traits and behavior so here’s a little different side of me.

On this blog, my life is all about autism. I have two other blogs though that show a little bit more about my life. I have a poetry blog where I write poems about everything from autism to depression to religion to the world. I also have a religious blog where I post some of my insights into different spiritual topics. I’m also thinking about creating another blog soon to post a photography series and some observations about the world.

So, who am I when I’m not blogging? I am an aunt, a missionary, a sister, a daughter, a lifelong learner, a swimmer and soccer player, a Veggietales fanatic, and in general a pretty simple person who loves being alive despite my struggles with depression and suicidal tendencies.

This little guy is probably my favorite person in the world right now. Plus a few other little ones that own pieces of my heart.

This little guy is probably my favorite person in the world right now. Plus a few other little ones that own pieces of my heart.

What’s blogging like for me? Well, writing is pretty easy. I just write what comes to me as it comes. Sometimes the hardest part is choosing what I want to post and when. I have about 10 posts right now that I’m just waiting for the right time and situation to post. I have been posting on a schedule, but I’ve realized that this isn’t really necessary or beneficial so I will be moving away from that with the coming posts.

If I have followed your blog, you may wonder how I choose blogs to follow.

This is how I choose which blogs to check out:

Picture, Picture, Picture= Like/ Follow

Food, Food, Food= Like, Like, Follow, Follow

Story… Hmm… that seems interesting… wait… so does that one… and that one and that one… ok… well… that one only has 300 words, let’s look at that one… 1000 words… umm… maybe not so much…

Poetry… (I may write poetry, but the truth is that I really don’t like poetry)… is it happy or interesting? Do I have to think to read it? If I don’t have to think, then I’ll probably like or follow it.

Beauty, Politics, News, and pretty much anything serious I generally just skip over.

I mostly just try to stay away from anything negative because if not I have to work really hard to get happy again.

Other than that, I have many interests and follow a variety of blogs about different things. I’ll be honest here and say that I haven’t read a complete post on some of the blogs I’ve followed. It’s not that I don’t want to. I just don’t have time so I follow them in hopes that they’ll post something that catches my eye and I can read it then, if not I can always unfollow the boring blogs later. (If you haven’t noticed, food and nice looking things are the way to my heart.)

 

Anyway, that’s pretty much who I am and how I run things around here. Any questions, feel free to leave a comment! 🙂

(There are links in the post to anything that seems like it should have a link. I’ve decided this makes it more like a scavenger hunt. Sorry they aren’t more noticeable.)