Finding Myself

I woke up this morning about 3 hours too early to use the restroom and had an interesting experience. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but I was scared. In fact, I was nearly terrified and for no physical reason whatsoever. I was half asleep, but the room was light enough to see everything and I usually go to sleep in nearly complete darkness. The house hadn’t changed and there was nothing in the environment that was scary. But I think it was that feeling of being half there and half not that scared me. It was a feeling of not knowing where I was mentally.

And then after dazing in and out of sleep for a while, I found myself. It was like I came back to myself and was whole again. And then everything was okay. I wasn’t scared anymore. It was like I had been somewhere else and I was scared that I wouldn’t come back, but when I did the world didn’t seem as scary anymore.

I don’t know how else to describe this experience and this post is very different from my usual posts, but because of the scariness and uniqueness of the situation I had to put it on here. I wonder if anyone else has had a similar situation or has any thoughts on the situation. The closest thing I can think of that may come close to what I felt is a near death experience, but this was definitely not a near death experience.

Anyway, if you have any thoughts on this, I’d be happy to hear them. Thanks for reading!


When it comes to body awareness, I am hyposensitive. I have a hard time measuring how far or how close I am to people. I also tend to gravitate towards walls when I’m walking and I sometimes bump into things because I misjudge how far away I am from them.

This also extends to sports. Sometimes I have a hard time throwing balls to people because I misjudge how hard I need to throw and usually overthrow the ball. Luckily for me, this wasn’t as much of a problem with water polo because you’re supposed to throw the ball at the water in front of the person rather than at a hand or arm. When I play basketball though, my misjudgment of distances becomes very apparent at times. I tend to hit the backboard on almost every shot and sometimes I completely miss altogether.

Proximity also becomes an issue at times when I’m talking to others. A lot of times I realize that I’m standing too close to someone and have to back up a few sentences into the conversation. I also have issues with how loud I need to be based on my proximity to someone. Sometimes I think I am being loud enough to be heard, but the person is farther away than I realize and I need to be louder. Usually in this case I just back out of a situation rather than try to adjust my volume because it is hard for me to tell exactly how loud I need to be and how loud I am actually being.

Generally this is one of the smaller issues with autism for me because it can be adjusted when you realize the miscalculation. However, it can make you seem a bit strange when you bump into things for no reason or can’t seem to throw straight when you’re playing a game.

Just another interesting aspect of living with autism.