Being Alone

We all want to feel safe, loved, and wanted.

My sister was away for a couple weeks visiting family and friends, so I was home alone with our pets. And even though I have been doing really well mentally for a long time, there is something about being alone that reminds me how painful life can be. I think I’m doing fine and then I’m alone and all I want is to hurt myself to get out of my head.

I am on an antidepressant that keeps me from thinking about suicide all the time. Prior to starting this medication, I thought about dying almost every day for as long as I can remember. It didn’t matter how good life was, the thoughts were always there. But it has been years since I have had those thoughts consistently. The thoughts can come back when I am alone though. Luckily, my medicine keeps me from being in danger when I am by myself, but it can still be hard.

No amount of medication can make up for interaction with other people. We need that human contact. We need hugs and attention and love. You just can’t close yourself off and still be okay.

I still sleep with a stuffed animal every night because it reminds me that I’m not alone. I’m not sure what I’d do without it because being alone is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But feeling that softness and thinking of the person who gave it to me reminds me that this is just a moment. No matter how painful the moment feels, I know I can be okay again because I am loved. I am not alone. And things will get better.

The Hard Stuff

I want to talk about the hard stuff again… I used to talk so much about my struggles with depression and eating disorders and suicidal thoughts because I knew someone else might be struggling and I wanted them to know they were not alone.

Well… It’s time to talk about hard stuff again. I’ve been resisting it for a long time because it is freaking hard to be judged for your thoughts that you can’t control… But maybe there’s someone out there with similar thoughts. Maybe there’s someone out there that doesn’t feel okay most of the time that could benefit from my honesty. And I feel okay enough to share my experiences without worrying too much about my mental health.

So… Here goes…

Do you know what my biggest fear is? Well… Second biggest… My biggest fear is that I’ll end my life early in a moment of rage or depression or insanity. But my second biggest fear is that I’ll die alone, that I’ll never find somebody to love me, and my family will all be moved away with families of their own, and I’ll never have that person to come home to. And the reason it is one of my biggest fears is because I feel nothing when it comes to attraction.

I feel no attraction to the opposite sex or my own sex or any sex, period. I just do not have those desires. I never have. I mean, I have had some curiosity, and I have had people I wanted to be close to. I just never wanted to kiss anyone or hold their hand or have any sexual relations in any sense.

I found out a few months ago that I would need surgery if I ever wanted the opportunity to enjoy sex with someone. And it was difficult news. I wondered if that was why I felt no attraction towards others. It also crushed my soul to think that it might cause another barrier to someone wanting me. I mean, I know I’m already an intense person. Add no attraction and surgery to that and you have a pretty hard sale.

But anyway, I’m okay. I know I have family that loves me and friends that care about me. It’s just hard sometimes. It’s hard feeling like if you left the world, there would be no evidence that you ever existed. And who would know of the struggle it took to get you there. And maybe that’s why I am writing this- just so someone will know of the struggle.

Something Good- Day 360-365

I went to my brother’s house for Christmas day. We arrived later than I had planned because I wanted to clean the house before we left, but we ate dinner and then opened gifts with them.

I spent the next few days at my brother’s house. I was able to hold the baby for a while and spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephews. Saturday, we took the kids out to lunch at a pizza buffet. We watched Soul and then went to a light show about 30 minutes from their house. It was a bit of a drive, but definitely worth it.

We had a birthday party on Sunday for my oldest nephew. We had lunch and cake. Then, he opened his presents. We left afterwards to come back home.

Monday was a pretty good day at work. My boss finally came back after being out sick for three months. We were all excited to see her because it has been so long. The day went smoothly, and I was even able to donate plasma during my lunch.

Yesterday we had homemade barbeque meatball subs for dinner. I signed up for a bank account to get a special cash back offer, which I was really excited about. Then, we watched a movie and relaxed.

Today we went to the store to check out holiday clearance items. We bought a few gifts to save for next year and some candy and other things. I am looking forward to taking some time off work over the next couple weeks and spending time with friends in the new year.

Something Good- Day 350-354

Tuesday I helped my sister with her papers. We got most of them done so that she could focus on finals the next day.

Wednesday we were able to watch a movie after my sister finished school for the semester.

Thursday I woke up much earlier than I had planned. I was hungry and awake though, so I ate and donated plasma before work. It was nice to not have to worry about donating during lunch. I was able to relax and eat my lunch peacefully.

Friday was a good day at work. We were able to see our boss, who has been out sick since October. She had her husband bring us gifts and then came through the drive thru to say hello. We celebrated Christmas with some friends after work.

Yesterday we finally went to Costco to get our membership cards. I had done a Groupon a few months ago that almost made the membership free. However, we had not been able to go to the store because we always try to do so much on Saturdays. We learned a lot, and I was excited to get cheap gas again.

Something Good- Day 345-349

Thursday night we watched a Christmas light show in our neighborhood. We did a video call with my mom and nieces, so they could watch the show as well.

I went to a coworker’s house on Friday night. We ate and talked and then wrapped presents. It was a nice break after a very hectic day at work.

Saturday we went out for frozen yogurt with a friend. Afterwards, we went to her place to play with her dog. Then, we took her to the light show that we had watched on Thursday.

Sunday we did home church and went to visit our cat that is being homed at our friend’s house for the time being. We also watched the movie, “The Christmas Shoes,” which is one of my sister’s favorite holiday movies.

Today was a good day at work. I actually got out on time, which has not happened since we made recent policy adjustments. After having dinner and doing some dishes, we watched “Elf” while eating treats.

I have not been posting these lately because we have been trying to see as many lights and Christmas movies as possible, which often means getting to bed later than I planned. I have been enjoying this time though and look forward to continuing to celebrate the holidays.

Something Good- Day 344

I left work early today because I had some indigestion that was not going away. Wednesdays are usually slower, so I figured they would be alright without me. It was a good thing I was home because my sister had some serious neck pain, and I was able to take her to the chiropractor and help her with homework. I was also able to finally fix the toilet for our renters, which I have needed to do for about a year.

Something Good- Day 333-337

My grandfather passed away Friday night, and I have been thinking about what I wanted to share about him ever since. He was the kind of grandpa you see in movies. He had that twinkle in his eye, stubble on his face, and a quiet humor. We did not talk much, but I enjoyed the time I spent with him. We would build puzzles together on Christmas, go out to eat at his two favorite restaurants, and share hugs every time I would see him. I am glad that he passed quickly after his last hospital visit. He was surrounded by family in his final hours. I feel at peace that it was his time to go. He had many health struggles in the last few years, but I am glad he never had to live in a nursing home.

His funeral was today. I was able to attend the services. The stories shared were a beautiful tribute to his goodness. It was also nice to be able to see extended family that I have not had the opportunity to see for years.

I had made the difficult decision on Friday to not rush to my grandfather’s bedside to say my goodbyes. I am one of over 45 grandchildren and did not feel the need to be there in the midst of closer family. I learned he had passed on Saturday while spending time with friends. I was grateful that I could take time off work to attend the funeral though. I talked to my boss on Monday, and they were able to work out coverage for my shifts.

I spent most of Tuesday getting everything ready to go, both at home and at work. We left right after work Tuesday evening. We arrived to my brother’s house late that night. His children were all happy to see us and excited to spend some time with us. It has been good to be with family over the last couple days. I return home tomorrow, but I am grateful I was able to make this trip.

Something Good- Day 330-332

I did not feel well at work on Wednesday and went home a little early. We watched a show until I felt better. Then, we went to the grocery store to get a few last minute Thanksgiving ingredients.

We woke up early on Thursday to start cooking food. My sister made me chilequiles for breakfast. We realized shortly after that we forgot a key ingredient to our meal. Luckily, we were able to find someone that had it to spare. I was grateful to feel much better because there was quite a bit of shoveling to do before leaving the house.

I went back to work today. It was pretty quiet because most people want to be at the store rather than the bank on Black Friday. I forgot my lunch, but my sister was kind enough to bring it while she went shopping with a friend. I cruised around one store with them, but we avoided most places because they were too crowded. We did get in a bit of online shopping though. After work, we went to a friend’s house for a Thanksgiving meal and some games. It was fun, and they sent us home with leftovers.

Something Good- Day 322-324

This has been a difficult week. We have had our bank lobby closed all week because we have so many people out sick right now. I went to donate plasma on Tuesday and was told that my iron was barely too low, so I had to go back the next day. Wednesday is a very busy day at the plasma center, so I had to wait longer than normal and almost double what I had planned. I also tried adjusting my medication schedule to the morning because I felt it might be more effective. However, I always forget to take medicine in the morning, so I ended up missing a couple doses, which made me more depressed than normal. But… This is about something good that happened every day. So… Here goes…

Tuesday was calmer at work than Monday. We had three tellers, instead of two, which helped a lot. Wednesday was a slower day at work, which made my long donation process a minor inconvenience for my coworkers rather than a hectic extra hour. I was also able to help my sister finish all her homework Wednesday night before her deadlines. Today was a pretty good day at work. I dropped by a couple houses after work to pick up items. My sister sold a few things online, so we were able to get a new tank for some fishes we adopted. I told my sister we would only get another fish if it was free, but this free fish happened to be a little big for our tank. She earned a new tank though, and we will be transferring them to it tomorrow.

Something Good- Day 316

I had work off today. It was Veteran’s day, so the bank was closed. We met up with one of my sister’s former teachers for lunch. It was fun to get to know her and for my sister to be able to see her. Afterwards, we did some bargain shopping and got some amazing deals.