Being Alone

We all want to feel safe, loved, and wanted.

My sister was away for a couple weeks visiting family and friends, so I was home alone with our pets. And even though I have been doing really well mentally for a long time, there is something about being alone that reminds me how painful life can be. I think I’m doing fine and then I’m alone and all I want is to hurt myself to get out of my head.

I am on an antidepressant that keeps me from thinking about suicide all the time. Prior to starting this medication, I thought about dying almost every day for as long as I can remember. It didn’t matter how good life was, the thoughts were always there. But it has been years since I have had those thoughts consistently. The thoughts can come back when I am alone though. Luckily, my medicine keeps me from being in danger when I am by myself, but it can still be hard.

No amount of medication can make up for interaction with other people. We need that human contact. We need hugs and attention and love. You just can’t close yourself off and still be okay.

I still sleep with a stuffed animal every night because it reminds me that I’m not alone. I’m not sure what I’d do without it because being alone is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But feeling that softness and thinking of the person who gave it to me reminds me that this is just a moment. No matter how painful the moment feels, I know I can be okay again because I am loved. I am not alone. And things will get better.

The Hard Stuff

I want to talk about the hard stuff again… I used to talk so much about my struggles with depression and eating disorders and suicidal thoughts because I knew someone else might be struggling and I wanted them to know they were not alone.

Well… It’s time to talk about hard stuff again. I’ve been resisting it for a long time because it is freaking hard to be judged for your thoughts that you can’t control… But maybe there’s someone out there with similar thoughts. Maybe there’s someone out there that doesn’t feel okay most of the time that could benefit from my honesty. And I feel okay enough to share my experiences without worrying too much about my mental health.

So… Here goes…

Do you know what my biggest fear is? Well… Second biggest… My biggest fear is that I’ll end my life early in a moment of rage or depression or insanity. But my second biggest fear is that I’ll die alone, that I’ll never find somebody to love me, and my family will all be moved away with families of their own, and I’ll never have that person to come home to. And the reason it is one of my biggest fears is because I feel nothing when it comes to attraction.

I feel no attraction to the opposite sex or my own sex or any sex, period. I just do not have those desires. I never have. I mean, I have had some curiosity, and I have had people I wanted to be close to. I just never wanted to kiss anyone or hold their hand or have any sexual relations in any sense.

I found out a few months ago that I would need surgery if I ever wanted the opportunity to enjoy sex with someone. And it was difficult news. I wondered if that was why I felt no attraction towards others. It also crushed my soul to think that it might cause another barrier to someone wanting me. I mean, I know I’m already an intense person. Add no attraction and surgery to that and you have a pretty hard sale.

But anyway, I’m okay. I know I have family that loves me and friends that care about me. It’s just hard sometimes. It’s hard feeling like if you left the world, there would be no evidence that you ever existed. And who would know of the struggle it took to get you there. And maybe that’s why I am writing this- just so someone will know of the struggle.

Something Good- Day 360-365

I went to my brother’s house for Christmas day. We arrived later than I had planned because I wanted to clean the house before we left, but we ate dinner and then opened gifts with them.

I spent the next few days at my brother’s house. I was able to hold the baby for a while and spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephews. Saturday, we took the kids out to lunch at a pizza buffet. We watched Soul and then went to a light show about 30 minutes from their house. It was a bit of a drive, but definitely worth it.

We had a birthday party on Sunday for my oldest nephew. We had lunch and cake. Then, he opened his presents. We left afterwards to come back home.

Monday was a pretty good day at work. My boss finally came back after being out sick for three months. We were all excited to see her because it has been so long. The day went smoothly, and I was even able to donate plasma during my lunch.

Yesterday we had homemade barbeque meatball subs for dinner. I signed up for a bank account to get a special cash back offer, which I was really excited about. Then, we watched a movie and relaxed.

Today we went to the store to check out holiday clearance items. We bought a few gifts to save for next year and some candy and other things. I am looking forward to taking some time off work over the next couple weeks and spending time with friends in the new year.

Something Good- Day 355-359

We did a Christmas lights scavenger hunt on Sunday night. We drove around and looked for different lights and watched a couple light shows.

Monday we dropped off some food to someone in need. Afterwards, we came home and played games.

Tuesday we went out to dinner with a friend. Then, we went to the theater to watch a movie. It was good to spend time with her since she has been busy with school. The movie was fun, and the theater only had 10 people in it.

Wednesday we spent time with our teenage friend. We had dinner and then went to the store to buy my coworkers gifts.

I had to work this morning, but I felt better about going to work than I did yesterday. I gave my coworkers their gifts, and they shared a lot of food and treats with me. After work, I was able to go to my friend’s house for Christmas Eve dinner. We talked, played games, and spent time with her family. It was good to spend at least some of the holiday with her.

Something Good- Day 350-354

Tuesday I helped my sister with her papers. We got most of them done so that she could focus on finals the next day.

Wednesday we were able to watch a movie after my sister finished school for the semester.

Thursday I woke up much earlier than I had planned. I was hungry and awake though, so I ate and donated plasma before work. It was nice to not have to worry about donating during lunch. I was able to relax and eat my lunch peacefully.

Friday was a good day at work. We were able to see our boss, who has been out sick since October. She had her husband bring us gifts and then came through the drive thru to say hello. We celebrated Christmas with some friends after work.

Yesterday we finally went to Costco to get our membership cards. I had done a Groupon a few months ago that almost made the membership free. However, we had not been able to go to the store because we always try to do so much on Saturdays. We learned a lot, and I was excited to get cheap gas again.

Something Good- Day 345-349

Thursday night we watched a Christmas light show in our neighborhood. We did a video call with my mom and nieces, so they could watch the show as well.

I went to a coworker’s house on Friday night. We ate and talked and then wrapped presents. It was a nice break after a very hectic day at work.

Saturday we went out for frozen yogurt with a friend. Afterwards, we went to her place to play with her dog. Then, we took her to the light show that we had watched on Thursday.

Sunday we did home church and went to visit our cat that is being homed at our friend’s house for the time being. We also watched the movie, “The Christmas Shoes,” which is one of my sister’s favorite holiday movies.

Today was a good day at work. I actually got out on time, which has not happened since we made recent policy adjustments. After having dinner and doing some dishes, we watched “Elf” while eating treats.

I have not been posting these lately because we have been trying to see as many lights and Christmas movies as possible, which often means getting to bed later than I planned. I have been enjoying this time though and look forward to continuing to celebrate the holidays.

Something Good- Day 342-343

I think it is most important on the bad days to come up with something good. Today was a bad night. I just feel lost. Sometimes it is hard to see the good in yourself when you think of what you have been and what you have lost. I did something nice today though. I took a friend some chocolates and candy. And tomorrow will be better. If you get through enough nights, tomorrow is always better.

Yesterday, I did some grocery shopping on the way home. I got a couple good deals and food for dinner. Then, I stopped at a lady’s house to buy a couple books and stuff we have been wanting.

Something Good- Day 330-332

I did not feel well at work on Wednesday and went home a little early. We watched a show until I felt better. Then, we went to the grocery store to get a few last minute Thanksgiving ingredients.

We woke up early on Thursday to start cooking food. My sister made me chilequiles for breakfast. We realized shortly after that we forgot a key ingredient to our meal. Luckily, we were able to find someone that had it to spare. I was grateful to feel much better because there was quite a bit of shoveling to do before leaving the house.

I went back to work today. It was pretty quiet because most people want to be at the store rather than the bank on Black Friday. I forgot my lunch, but my sister was kind enough to bring it while she went shopping with a friend. I cruised around one store with them, but we avoided most places because they were too crowded. We did get in a bit of online shopping though. After work, we went to a friend’s house for a Thanksgiving meal and some games. It was fun, and they sent us home with leftovers.

Something Good- Day 329

We had to relocate our garage cat temporarily because our basement renters are allergic. Luckily, one of our friends was able to take him in. He has been there for a few weeks, but we were able to stop by to see him today. I was glad to see he is doing well and has been adapting to his new environment.

Something Good- Day 327

This is not a normal year. I think we are all craving light and happiness and joy a little more this year. So, even though I absolutely love Thanksgiving and feel that it is extremely important to express gratitude at this time, I am all for Christmas lights this year. Today we went to a friend’s house to drop off some puzzles for them. They unexpectedly invited us to eat dinner with their family. Afterwards, we drove around looking at Christmas lights and then watched Polar Express to end the night.