Something Good- Day 330-332

I did not feel well at work on Wednesday and went home a little early. We watched a show until I felt better. Then, we went to the grocery store to get a few last minute Thanksgiving ingredients.

We woke up early on Thursday to start cooking food. My sister made me chilequiles for breakfast. We realized shortly after that we forgot a key ingredient to our meal. Luckily, we were able to find someone that had it to spare. I was grateful to feel much better because there was quite a bit of shoveling to do before leaving the house.

I went back to work today. It was pretty quiet because most people want to be at the store rather than the bank on Black Friday. I forgot my lunch, but my sister was kind enough to bring it while she went shopping with a friend. I cruised around one store with them, but we avoided most places because they were too crowded. We did get in a bit of online shopping though. After work, we went to a friend’s house for a Thanksgiving meal and some games. It was fun, and they sent us home with leftovers.

Something Good- Day 274

I am unsure what tomorrow will bring. My manager is being tested for Covid, and with cases consistently rising in this area, it is uncertain if work will continue like normal.

On a happier note, my dad came to visit today. This is the first time he has seen my house since I bought it just over two years ago. We always bond over games, and he enjoyed perusing my game collection. We also played a game he had given me for my birthday that I had not yet been able to play.

Something Good- Day 248-249

This has been an eventful day for me. I started my period last night, which always gives me nausea and cramps. I try not to let it slow me down, but sometimes I overdo it. I started to feel terrible while shopping and had to let my sister pay while I went to the car to rest. We stopped at a friend’s house on the way home for a few minutes, and I ended up vomiting in their bathroom. Then, I realized just before writing this that I have been putting the wrong day number on the last few posts. But, it has been a good day overall. We found the last book in a series my sister has been collecting at the thrift store. We brought our friend home to watch movies with us and had dinner and shakes. So, even though I felt terrible, the day turned out to not be so bad.

Yesterday, we spent some time with my sister’s family before they left for the weekend. Then, we watched a movie and picked up a game from someone on Facebook, which I am excited to play soon.

Something Good- Day 241-244

Friday we went to our friends’ house for a while. We were able to talk for a while and play with their pets.

We went to the zoo on Saturday. The kids loved it, and we all had fun. Afterwards, I helped watch my nieces so that my sister could go on a date with her husband. We had pizza and played games.

We went to church on Sunday for a special meeting. Afterwards, we were able to pick vegetables from our friends’ garden.

Today was a good day at work. We had dinner and played games with my sister’s family when I came home. Then we went grocery shopping to plan dinners this week.

Something Good- Day 178-180

I had a game night birthday party last night. We went shopping on Friday to pick up snacks and dessert for the party. We had a fun night and played a few different games.

Then, today we were able to go back to church for the first time since Covid-19 was declared a pandemic. We also had some friends over tonight to play games.

Something Good- Day 153-155

I have had a lot going on lately, so it has been hard to keep up with these posts.

Monday we met some friends to get Italian ice. It was nice to say hello to everyone, most of whom we have not seen for months.

Tuesday we organized my games, which was quite the endeavour. I have more space in my closet now though, and it looks nicer.

Today we watched a couple original Pokemon episodes while eating cookies and drinking hot chocolate. It brought up feelings of nostalgia. I love drawing Pokemon for my nieces and nephews, but it has been a while since I have watched the older episodes.

Something Good- Day 152

We have had renters for the past two months. This was a huge blessing financially during the quarantine because we would not have been able to continue our Airbnb during that time. We were also grateful to have people to spend time with and for the extra help with our yard. Our renters officially moved out today, but we were able to have church with them one last time and play some games together.

Something Good- Day 87-89

Social distancing and Idaho’s stay-at-home order means that I need to stay busy to avoid getting depressed. I am very grateful that I do not live alone because that would make this nearly impossible for me. Over the last three days, we have been playing games, cooking and baking, and watching movies and shows.

I have a lot of games that I have never played. This extra time at home has given us the opportunity to try these new games.

We have also used some kitchen gadgets for the first time. My sister used our mixer to make gluten free bread, which I later turned into bread pudding. Then we used our potato crisper to make homemade potato chips. We are planning to try making apple chips with it as well.

Overall, we are doing well with our social distancing efforts. I called my siblings to check in with them today and texted a couple friends. We avoided the crowded grocery store yesterday and just got a few essential things at a smaller store. My bank has implemented a 10% cash back reward for restaurants, so we have used the drive through for a couple fast food restaurants to help support them at this time. I am staying active by using the elliptical machine we bought a couple months ago. So far depression has only consumed me over a couple minutes in the last week. I think that as long as I keep active and take care of myself, things will all be okay through this.

Distractions

I have the most amazing life. I can lie in bed and look at a galaxy of stars glowing on my ceiling. I wake up to the cutest little kids in the morning, that want to play with me and sit next to me and have me read them stories, and even though I’m not a mom yet, I get to be a mother figure to my nephew and nieces. There is always food in my fridge and I can almost always join my brother and his family for dinner. I have the opportunity to go to school to further my education and learn new skills, and I am at the exciting point where I can qualify for a job in my field of study. I have the privilege once a month of teaching an amazing group of women that actually listen and care about what I have to say. I have the most wonderful friends who would be there for me at two in the morning if I needed them. I am so loved and taken care of and have responsibilities that I cherish, and yet I find myself seeking distractions in my daily life.

I had one thing I needed to do yesterday. One single responsibility and 24 hours to use to fulfill it, but at the end of the night, it still wasn’t done. And I laid in bed and looked at the stars on my ceiling and wondered what I am doing with my life.

A year ago, I was at the end of my rope. I had taken on too many responsibilities that I could no longer handle after certain life circumstances. I woke up early to commute to work. I was taking night classes. I was an essential resource for everyone at my work, and I was depended upon at home and with friends and at church. I had thrived on the social interactions and fast paced flow of life, but I was in so much pain and so exhausted all the time that life was no longer a thrill, but a tremendous burden.

I reached a point where I could no longer handle things and withdrew as much as I could. I stopped taking classes. I quit my job and got a part time job instead. And I didn’t feel the need to go out and socialize much. I slowly started adding things back in. First school. Then family. Then friends. But I abandoned responsibility somewhere along the way, and I refused to pick it back up again.

I am basically back to normal now. I am not in constant pain every day. (Well, at least not pain I can’t handle.) I can do everything required of me fairly easily and without needing to find time in my schedule. In fact, I hardly even have a schedule and can do almost anything whenever I want. Yet, I find myself wanting to be distracted from life. I want to get away for no particular reason other than I just can.

I used to be addicted to video games because they distracted me from life. At a point in my life where I didn’t want to face myself or the world or the demons living in both, games were my lifeline. Now though, I have worked through the trauma from my past. I have faced my demons and resolved them for the most part. Why do I still feel the desire to distract myself?

I think as human beings we have a natural inclination to avoid distress. If there is a choice between facing something that may be beneficial but distressing or doing something that has no benefit but no obviously negative consequences, I think we would naturally choose the latter.

But anyway, to get to the point of all this, I found it both interesting and frustrating that despite my wonderful life, I often choose to be distracted rather than present and responsible. I find myself seeking forgiveness, while still not stopping my actions.

But tonight, as I look up at the stars, I feel fully present. I feel. I am. I am completely here in this moment, feeling the cool of the air around me, letting myself sink into the softness of my surroundings, and with all the good things in my life flowing through me in floods of peace and gratitude. Why do I distract myself? I have no idea… Because this moment is better than any I had all week.

Buying Love

In the past two years, I have bought over 250 movies, 50 games, and 100 cds. From the outside it may seem like I have a spending problem and even I myself would wonder why I wanted to buy all this stuff.

I’m not a stuff kind of person. In fact, prior to the last 3 years, I never spent any money on things I wanted. I would only spend money on food and necessities. So a sudden surge of shopping habits did not seem to make sense… until… I thought about what I was buying.

What I have realized is that I do not buy any of this stuff for me. I buy it because it might give me a connection to other people. In my family and most families, there are a few things that bring everyone together. While growing up these things were games, movies, food, gifts and music.

So… That’s what I shop for. I buy all of these things because I crave what has historically come with them for me. I crave the love and family and happiness and friendship and interaction that these things brought to me.

Don’t worry though, I won’t become a hoarder. See, I’m not connected to anything I buy. In fact, I couldn’t care less about them. I mean, sure I’d be a little sad if they were all destroyed in a fire, but even that would be okay because it’s not the stuff that matters to me.

I only buy stuff because I want other people to enjoy it with me. There are a few things I buy for myself to improve myself and learn something, but mostly I’m just trying to buy love. I know money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy stuff that facilitates interaction and community, which can help me be happier… So that’s almost the same thing, right?