My Christmas Struggles

This Christmas season has been difficult for me. I have been struggling with feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. I enjoy giving gifts. That look when someone’s face lights up because they feel seen when you give them a gift unique to them is one of my favorite things. This year though, I realized that my gifts have not always been the best or were not really what the receiver needed or wanted. I have adjusted to this and tried to limit my gifts to experiences or something useful instead of just something I feel the person would like. And I have given gifts outside of Christmas because what was the point of waiting till Christmas if the person was not going to like the gift anyway? So the giving part of Christmas has been harder this year.

In addition to that struggle, I had to work more this year than I have in the past, which meant that I could not join my family for Christmas. This was especially hard because my nieces and nephews could all be together this Christmas, which does not always happen. I still had my sister and friends, but it was hard not to long to be with the rest of my family.

I have not let myself think about those things because there has been so much to do around the house and with work. I finally broke down last night though. I wanted to message my friend to thank her for having us for Christmas, but all of my fears and anxieties finally bubbled to the surface. I found myself unable to stop crying or calm down. Knowing I needed peace, I turned to the story of Christ’s birth in Matthew 1-2 and Luke 1-2. Reading these chapters calmed my mind and I was able to drift to sleep.

I don’t know why I am sharing this other than to let people know they are not alone. If you are feeling anxious or lonely or inadequate this holiday season, it will not always be this way. Someday we will be okay. Someday we will find ourselves. Someday we will not be alone. I do not know when that day will come for me, but I have hope that I will be ready for it as I work towards healing and growing. Maybe I am not okay right now, but that does not mean I will always be this way. I can find healing. I can find hope. And I can keep telling myself I am enough until someday I believe it.

Something Good- Day 360-365

I went to my brother’s house for Christmas day. We arrived later than I had planned because I wanted to clean the house before we left, but we ate dinner and then opened gifts with them.

I spent the next few days at my brother’s house. I was able to hold the baby for a while and spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephews. Saturday, we took the kids out to lunch at a pizza buffet. We watched Soul and then went to a light show about 30 minutes from their house. It was a bit of a drive, but definitely worth it.

We had a birthday party on Sunday for my oldest nephew. We had lunch and cake. Then, he opened his presents. We left afterwards to come back home.

Monday was a pretty good day at work. My boss finally came back after being out sick for three months. We were all excited to see her because it has been so long. The day went smoothly, and I was even able to donate plasma during my lunch.

Yesterday we had homemade barbeque meatball subs for dinner. I signed up for a bank account to get a special cash back offer, which I was really excited about. Then, we watched a movie and relaxed.

Today we went to the store to check out holiday clearance items. We bought a few gifts to save for next year and some candy and other things. I am looking forward to taking some time off work over the next couple weeks and spending time with friends in the new year.

Something Good- Day 355-359

We did a Christmas lights scavenger hunt on Sunday night. We drove around and looked for different lights and watched a couple light shows.

Monday we dropped off some food to someone in need. Afterwards, we came home and played games.

Tuesday we went out to dinner with a friend. Then, we went to the theater to watch a movie. It was good to spend time with her since she has been busy with school. The movie was fun, and the theater only had 10 people in it.

Wednesday we spent time with our teenage friend. We had dinner and then went to the store to buy my coworkers gifts.

I had to work this morning, but I felt better about going to work than I did yesterday. I gave my coworkers their gifts, and they shared a lot of food and treats with me. After work, I was able to go to my friend’s house for Christmas Eve dinner. We talked, played games, and spent time with her family. It was good to spend at least some of the holiday with her.

Something Good- Day 294

I have been delaying writing this tonight. There has been a lot on my mind with Covid controversies, work issues, and personal issues. We also had a frustrating experience with dinner tonight. But… We did get some Christmas presents ready tonight. We are trying to be very practical in our gifts this year while still keeping an element of fun. We also were able to find some gifts for my nephew, who is turning two years old next month. I find it difficult to buy gifts for that age, but we found some great stuff that I think both he and his parents would like.

Celebrating Christ’s Birth

It is no secret that I am not fond of birthdays. There are years that I would like to avoid my birthday altogether. However, as we talked today in church about Christ’s birthday. I thought about what Christmas represents.

Christmas is a day to remember Christ. So, how would he want us to remember Him? By giving of ourselves- giving to others, helping others, loving others. That is how Christ spent His life. In truth, the birth of Jesus was a gift from both Christ and the Father. Jesus gave us the gift of His life- of becoming mortal so that He could save us, serve us, and show us how to live like Him. And the Father gave us the gift of His Son.

I think that the Spirit of Christmas is the perfect way to celebrate Christ’s birthday because we strive to do exactly what He did in His mortal life- give, love, serve. I hope my birthday can help people remember those things, too. But I am grateful for the perfect example to celebrate with “peace on earth, goodwill to men.”

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear has always been hurting people. I used to think that my biggest fear was that I would lose my battle with depression, that I would finally succeed in ending my life. I was afraid of anything that could hurt me because I thought about dying so much and so often that I feared I might not be able to stop myself if I had the means to end my life. But I realized that I ultimately feared killing myself because I knew it would hurt people.

My fear has decreased in the last few years, but I used to be terrified of hurting another human being. l was so scared that at one point, I tried to avoid people all together. Memories still haunt me occasionally of times that I unintentionally hurt someone.

On the other side of fear, though, is a burning desire to help others and make their lives a little better or easier or happier. My entire life has been dedicated to making others happy. It is my favorite thing to do. I cannot stop myself from wanting to do things for others.

Due to experiences growing up, I used to hate myself for my desires to do kind things for others. I believed that I was a flawed person that did not know how to help anyone and that the people I did things for might be offended or inconvenienced by my kind gesture. These thoughts sent me into a spiral of depression and self-destruction every time I did something for someone.

I remember the first time I did something for someone and wasn’t flooded with a wave of guilt afterward. I took a box of little gifts with a note on it to one of my friends and dropped it off on her porch after she had a rough couple of days. I treasure that memory because it was the first time I gave a gift to a friend without hating myself for it.

I absolutely adore Christmas because I get to give to others without feeling out of place or different from the rest of the world. I am grateful for the opportunities to serve and to give that Christmas offers. I am grateful for this time of year that makes my deepest desires seem normal. I wish we all treated each other as though every day was part of the Christmas season, maybe then I would not feel so out of place when I do something kind for another human being.

Grateful for Stuff

I have never put much value in material things. I always have a hard time coming up with a Christmas list because I don’t really want anything other than the basics- food, clothes, a place to live, warmth, transportation, etc. However, if you look at my movies or games or books or room decorations, it is pretty obvious that I have a lot of stuff.  But for me, the stuff isn’t important. It’s what the stuff means that is important.

I have a collection of snow globes and music boxes. Whenever my nieces or nephew come into my room, they enjoy listening to the music and looking at the fun characters inside the globes or boxes. These decorations are an attachment to the children in my life that mean so much to me. Movies are a major form of entertainment in our household. We all watch some form of movie or show almost every day. My movies are a way to gather the family in excitement and anticipation. The same is true of my games. My games are a way to spend time with friends or family in a fun way.

My biggest collection by far is the stuff I have for gifts. I have boxes and bags and closets full of gifts for people. I buy things for all the people in my life all year long, whenever I see something I know they would like. Then, when a birthday or Christmas comes around, I take things out and decide what to give that person for that particular occasion. The gifts I buy and store are an expression of my love for others.

So today, I am grateful for stuff because it allows me to express what is important to me. It allows me to have an outlet for my love for others. Stuff gives me a way to give, to love, to spend time with someone, to be myself. I would be okay if all of my stuff simply disappeared, but I am grateful for the joy it provides to me and others while I have this stuff to give.

A Little Christmas

This year we had the biggest Christmas I have ever had in my entire life. Well, biggest in terms of presents. We had a ton of presents this year. So many presents in fact that we were tired of opening presents by the time we had gotten to the end. We have never had a Christmas like this before. And to be honest, I hope we never do again.

I have decided that I like a little Christmas. Just a few presents and some genuine quality time. I’d rather have one gift that I can cherish and appreciate than 10 gifts that I won’t remember a year from now. Don’t get me wrong, I love gifts and I love giving gifts, but gifts mean more when there are less of them.

In my family, we have always opened our gifts one by one. Each person gets to see what each other person is opening and we get excited for the presents that we give and that others have given. It’s never been about the presents. It’s been about us. And I really missed that this year.

I miss getting excited when I see what other people have received, being happy for them because I know it is something they will enjoy. I miss each gift being unwrapped carefully because we treasure the time and thought that went into it. But mostly I miss the feeling I have when my family comes together to celebrate each other.

Yes, we celebrate the birth of our Savior at Christmas. But by giving each other carefully planned and picked out gifts, we celebrate our brothers and sisters. And I think that’s how Christ would want it to be.

I think if Christ were at our Christmas celebration, He would give us a carefully wrapped gift that reminded Him of us. He wouldn’t flood us with presents or try to get us the most expensive thing he could afford. He would give us something we hadn’t even realized we wanted that would remind us that He loves us and knows us and was thinking about us.

So next year, I’m committing to one gift and only one gift. It may be multiple items that tie into one, but it will be something that I’ve planned and picked out because I love who I am giving it to. And I will wrap that gift carefully and unwrap my gifts carefully because it will be our hearts wrapped in shiny paper to share with each other for that sacred day.