Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

The past month or so has been really hard for me. I’ve been struggling with breaking down, feeling of worth, and just generally doing what I normally do on a daily basis. I don’t exactly know why these things happen. I don’t know what triggers my feelings of depression and lethargy, but I know that when I feel like that it is almost like I’ve gone to sleep. It’s like a part of me is gone for a while, like I went to sleep and part of me just stayed in bed.

And then one day… I wake up.

I can’t explain how or why it happens but it’s like I come back to myself. Like another post I wrote a few weeks ago about a strange feeling I had when I wandered half asleep to the bathroom and felt like a part of me was lost. I felt scared that it would never come back and then it did and everything was okay again. ¬†Only this time it took a lot longer for that part of me to come back.

This isn’t the first time this has happened and it probably won’t be the last. But it is interesting to look back and see the difference. It is interesting to see who I’ve been over the past month or so and who I am now. It is almost like I’ve been two different people.

And I feel bad. I feel bad about what that different person has done. I feel bad about the mistakes I made and the hurt I may have caused. And it reminds me of all the other times that this has happened and the brokenness it has left behind me. I wish I could go back and fix it all, but I can’t. Life just doesn’t work like that.

Maybe this time though I can learn something from it… Maybe this time I can find a way to fix it… And maybe next¬†time I can find a way to keep Mr. Hyde from hurting the ones I love.

Finding Myself

I woke up this morning about 3 hours too early to use the restroom and had an interesting experience. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but I was scared. In fact, I was nearly terrified and for no physical reason whatsoever. I was half asleep, but the room was light enough to see everything and I usually go to sleep in nearly complete darkness. The house hadn’t changed and there was nothing in the environment that was scary. But I think it was that feeling of being half there and half not that scared me. It was a feeling of not knowing where I was mentally.

And then after dazing in and out of sleep for a while, I found myself. It was like I came back to myself and was whole again. And then everything was okay. I wasn’t scared anymore. It was like I had been somewhere else and I was scared that I wouldn’t come back, but when I did the world didn’t seem as scary anymore.

I don’t know how else to describe this experience and this post is very different from my usual posts, but because of the scariness and uniqueness of the situation I had to put it on here. I wonder if anyone else has had a similar situation or has any thoughts on the situation. The closest thing I can think of that may come close to what I felt is a near death experience, but this was definitely not a near death experience.

Anyway, if you have any thoughts on this, I’d be happy to hear them. Thanks for reading!