Nightmares

Do you ever have a dream where you are your own worst nightmare?

I had a dream where I got stuck in an elevator. For some reason, I had a stroller in the dream. I had just gotten off a plane and taken the shuttle to the main area. I had to take an elevator because of the stroller. The elevator was packed with people and strollers and children. For some reason, I was going to the 4th floor, while everyone else was going to higher floors. When the elevator stopped on the fourth floor, I became anxious about how to get everything out with me. I knew I had to get my bag and the stroller, so I thought I would throw my bag out of the elevator and then turn around to get the stroller.

Unfortunately, the elevator sensor registered the bag I threw out and proceeded to close. I panicked that the elevator was moving and pressed the stop button. I then bypassed the safety system and opened the elevator door to find I was no longer at the door where I needed to exit. The other passengers were angry with me. They called me stupid for thinking I could stop the elevator and get out. They wanted me to close the door and get the elevator moving again. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that easy to put everything back and fix the elevator by myself. We were stuck while I tried to fix my mistake and call maintenance for help. When the elevator did get moving again, I was questioned by security and my bag and stroller were searched for bombs. After deciding I was not a terrorist, security let me go to find the contents of my bag dumped out from their search.

Anyway, the point of this story is that I do not feel ready for the next stage of my life. I know most people do not see me as autistic. My family and friends feel I am ready for the next step in life, to start dating and get married and have children. I am not so sure that I am ready. I worry that I will not be able to handle the added stress and pressure.

I do want children and a partner someday, but I also question if I will ever be ready for that. Can I handle doing multiple things at a time like moms have to do? I have heard others say that people with autism cannot handle a lot going on. I can handle a lot going on, but only if it is structured. When things lose their structure, it is difficult to handle all the changes. Will I be able to handle the difficulties of motherhood and the constant changes and interruptions that come with it? Or will I find myself in a constant state of being overwhelmed and unable to care for myself, much less a child?

Something Good- Day 131

We did church with more of our family today. It was fun to have us all together and be able to share Mother’s day. Afterwards we watched a devotional about mothers. It was inspiring, and I liked how it talked about finding happiness and sitting with others through their pain. That is what being a mother is all about- learning to balance your own needs while making sacrifices for the ones you love.

To Mothers

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and I didn’t remember how much I miss my mom until I really stopped to remember the reason for mothers day and how grateful I am for my mom. So I just wanted to say to all mothers, if you haven’t heard your child say I love you or if you haven’t heard it in a while, just know that we do. We love you for all that you do and all that you are.

We may not be able to hug you or have conversations with you or effectively interact with you, but we love you. We love you more than you understand and more than we understand. We love just being around you even if it’s sitting in silence. We love hearing your voice and seeing you and spending time with you. We love knowing that you love us. We love having a mother and we love having you as our mother. We don’t know what we’d do without you.

Although I mostly write this to mothers of kids with autism, I think it applies to almost everyone that we don’t express our love for our mother as much as we really do love her. I personally have a hard time saying the words “I love you” because they never mean as much coming out of my mouth as they do in my heart. But maybe in writing my words will mean something close to how they feel within me.

I love you mom and I am so grateful you’re my mom.