From Your Friend with Autism

I’m scared that I won’t know how to talk to you because I don’t.

I’m scared that you’ll leave because I’ve never kept a friend very long.

I’m scared that I don’t know how to be a friend because I haven’t had many.

I’m scared that I’m too much or too little because I can’t tell the difference.

I’m scared about how I feel because loving so much can lead to more hurt later.

I’m scared because I’ve never done this before.

I’m scared because I’m not good at reading signals.

I’m scared because I’m getting better, which makes it harder to handle if I mess up.

I’m scared because I don’t think you know how scared I am or how much I try.

But most of all, I’m scared because friendship means so much to me and I don’t know if or when I’ll get another chance.

Don’t Look Up to Me

Don’t look up to me.
You think I’m strong for talking about mental illness?
The way I get away with not talking to anyone about what I go through is by telling everyone what I go through. I use this blog as a shield to keep me from having to really trust anyone.

Don’t look up to me.
You think I don’t get angry?
The only reason I don’t get as angry anymore is because I’ve consigned myself to bad days and lost promises and disappointing circumstances.

Don’t look up to me.
You think I am strong in my faith?
My faith is only strong because I need it so badly. I couldn’t find a reason to life if I didn’t believe in something better.

Don’t look up to me.
You think I’m smart?
I was born with above average intelligence, but below average social skills. Believe me, you don’t want to be trapped in your own body.

Don’t look up to me.
You think I have a way with words?
I can only form a sentence after much thought and consideration. It’s not a talent, it’s a deliberation.

Don’t look up to me.
You think I’m kind?
Sometimes I feel like I’m only kind for selfish reasons.

Don’t look up to me.
Mostly just because I am only me.

Who Am I?

I tried so hard and gave so much that I lost myself by giving myself away.
So I looked at everything I’ve done,
And I found myself again.

I am love and affection.
I am kind words and handwritten notes and small acts of kindness.

I am loyalty.
I am the refusal to gossip about you, the defense of your innocence, the friend when you need to talk.

I am honesty.
I am the dollar back in extra change, the wallet returned to its rightful owner, the locking of a cabinet that’s left unattended.

I am dependability.
I am the $5 when you forgot your wallet, the volunteer when you’re looking for more help, the willingness to step in when someone can’t do their assignment.

I am service.
I am the bowl of soup when you’re sick, the ride when you need a lift, the extra hand when you’re moving apartments.

I am forgiveness.
I am the hug after I hated you, the second chance when you lost my trust, the friendship even after you hurt me.

I am responsibility.
I am the acceptance of blame when I could have done something different, the solution to a problem that you didn’t ask me to solve, the completion of chores that need to be done around the house.

I am gratitude.
I am the sincere thank you after you worked hard, the card for the little things I notice you do, the flower on your porch to show I appreciate you.

I am patience.
I am the wait until you’re ready to talk, the consistent friend until you feel better, the perseverance when you have been struggling for a long time.

I am faith.

I am the comment in church, the testimony that strengthens yours, the prayer for you when you are struggling.

I am friendliness.
I am the smile when you pass by, the hello when we make eye contact, the help when you’re looking for something.

I am caring concern.
I am the inquiry about your health, the genuine interest in your family’s wellbeing, the persistent nudging for you to get the help you need.

In the end, maybe it is all the little things I have done that make me.

So I find myself by looking at who I have been to everyone else.

Dear Best Friend

This letter is partly for my family because they have always been my best friends, but also for my non-relative friends who have been there for me in big and small ways over the years.

Dear best friend,
I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know how much I appreciate you. I want you to know how much you mean to me.

Dear best friend,
I want you to know that it’s not your fault when I’m not okay. I want you to know that I don’t expect you to cure me. I want you to know that you do help more than you know.

Dear best friend,
I want you to know that you have saved my life more times than I can count. I want you to know that the dark loses its fight against me every day because of you. I want you to know that you make me a stronger and better person.

Dear best friend,
I want you to know that I would do anything for you. I want you to know that I recognize the things you have done for me. I want you to know that my life is brighter because you are in it.

Dear best friend,
I wish I could tell you how I really feel about you. I wish I could communicate how much I love you. I wish I could tell you how much you help me.

Dear best friend,

I wish I could be okay for you. I wish all my problems could just go away because I’m friends with you. I wish I could be the person you want me to be.

Dear best friend,

Thank you for loving me anyway. Thank you for being there for me over and over.

Dear best friend,
Thank you for being my friend.

I Still Want to Die

Life is good. Life is super good. Everything is going well. I got into college with the major I want for my second bachelor’s degree. I got into the classes I need. My previous school work transferred well. My job is good. My family is great. I have more friends than ever, and they are completely amazing. Life couldn’t be much better.

Yet, I still lie in bed wanting to die sometimes. I’m not saying this for you to feel sorry for me or worry about me or reach out to me. I’m saying this because it’s real. And maybe because it’s real, I’m not alone. Maybe someone will understand and relate and connect. Maybe someone will not feel so alone after reading this, knowing that someone else feels this way too.

The hardest part about feeling this way is feeling like you can’t tell anyone. Because your life is good and you have no reason, no right to hurt… As if you were in control… And you break because you don’t know why, and you cry because there’s no excuse, and it makes you want to die more because you don’t deserve to feel sorry for yourself, you don’t deserve to be loved because you can’t even make yourself happy when you have every reason to be.

And the problem is that you are happy. You’re incredibly happy. And most of the time you feel like it. But you still want to die. In the darkness of your room, the darkness of your mind, you still think of death. And it seems so beautiful. And you don’t understand the fear because death seems like the only escape. But you are happy. I am happy. You keep repeating it to yourself because it doesn’t make any sense. Why do I want to die when I’m happy?

But it’s okay. It’s just a bad day. It’s just a bad night. Tomorrow will be better. Just go to sleep. Just sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

This was sort of written in a stream of consciousness style. I didn’t edit it. So hopefully it makes sense.