Something Good- Day 33 Grief

I have been struggling with my faith for a long time. After Gabriel passed away, it was hard to want to talk to God. I felt hurt, sad, and alone. I know that death is a part of life and that I had felt God before. I did not necessarily blame God for what happened, but I did not know how to process my grief. I did not have the words to say what I felt. So I shut God and people in general out of my life. I became numb and angry. I was angry at everything and nothing. I realized later that it was not anger that I was feeling but rather, anxiety and grief and internal conflict. It just came out as anger.

Anyway, the point of all this is that I stopped feeling close to God. I stopped believing, in many ways, because I did not know how to cope with what I was experiencing. Today, I felt God again. I felt close to God again, and my emotions flowed out of me as they had done before I moved here. I cried because I felt more than I had felt in a long time. I had let myself become numb to the world around me, but now I felt seen and understood and not as alone anymore.

It may not make sense to someone who does not believe in God or who has never felt at peace with the world, but it felt good to let out my emotions and feel again. That was my good thing for today- to be able to feel again, even if it was grief. I allowed myself to cry, to feel, and to be. For the first time in a long time, I was no longer numb. And that is a pretty amazing feeling.

Something Good- Day 4 & 5

I got to bed especially late last night and forgot to do this, so I’m doing both days today.

I went to donate plasma yesterday and was worried that I would not be able to donate because my temperature was too low, but luckily it went back up after a couple minutes. This was especially good because they had a promotion that gave me an extra $15. The money I get from plasma is our food money for the month, so we got to go out to eat because of that extra money yesterday.

Today I watched a movie called “Breakthrough” about a boy that falls through ice and is miraculously saved by the prayers of others. I have been questioning my faith lately. I know that I believe in God, but I am not sure what that extends to in my life or how that looks for me. While this movie did not necessarily strengthen my faith, it did give me reassurance that it is okay to not have all the answers and that eventually things have a way of figuring themselves out.